Here We Go Again
by NikkiReed83
Summary: Nikki and Victor, can they finally make it work? Chapters 1-10 up
1. Chapter 1

"Okay, 7 sounds good. I'll be there", Nikki replied into the phone, and then hung up.

A million thoughts raced through her head, namely, what in world was she doing agreeing to have dinner with this man. Had she no self-control? She was only human she reasoned with herself, and everyone gets lonely. Usually she would busy herself with her children or her best friend Kay, but everyone had their own lives to worry about. And then there was Victor, oh Victor. The last words they shared were far from pretty. He accused her of single handedly destroying their relationship. She was more than willing to take the blame, but she could not understand how Victor would not accept that she acted out of hurt over the fact that she honestly thought he had married Meggie. Yes, she knew she should have talked to him first, but as she knew all too well, you can't change the past. And with that, he left, just as always, and ordered her to get out. The first week she moped about the ranch in denial about what had come to pass. The second week she forced herself to find a place to live, but the GAC made her cringe. She had no plans to buy a house, but that's exactly what she did.

Nikki thought the house had a lot of charm when she saw it from the driveway. White with black shutters, and a huge wrap around porch on the first floor. The house wasn't big, but then she didn't need that. She would be living there alone after all. When she opened the door, she really liked it. Hardwood floors, butter cream yellow walls, lots of windows, and vaulted ceilings. It felt like how home should feel. She walked across the living room to the screened in porch, and that's when she fell in love with the house. She remembered she all but ran out the screen door across the lawn, her high heels sinking in the grass along the way. There it was, a beautiful barn. Nothing fancy, but very clean and bright. Five stalls, a tack room, a grooming area, a feed room, and wash rack. Outside, two paddocks and a large riding arena. She ran out the door back to the house meeting the Realtor halfway. She remembered telling the woman she would take the house. It's a buyers market after all she'd said. She didn't know why exactly she'd done it, but she remembered she told Victor she wouldn't chase after him this time. And by God, she wouldn't.

"Mr. Newman, we should be in Genoa City in about an hour", the pilots voice came over the intercom.

Victor wasn't sure how he felt about coming home. Nothing had changed really. He dropped Skye off and tried to forget the hurt and betrayal he felt from those he loved back home, but when all was said and done, he still felt hurt and betrayed. Abby had taken a step forward and tried to make amends, and for that he was grateful, Victoria on the other hand was being just as stubborn as ever. She refused to budge on the lawsuit. Of any of his children, she was the last one he expected this behavior from. And then of course, Nikki. He hadn't wanted to come home because he feared everything he saw would remind him of her, and anytime he thought of her, he saw her in bed with that scum Deacon Sharpe. "I should have killed him the first time", he muttered under his breath.

Nikki ran out the door towards the barn. She needed to feed the horses fast so she could shower and be ready for dinner at 7. She thought she would have to hire someone to help with the feeding and cleaning, but she found she actually enjoyed it. And it was after all only 3 horses. She brought her own horse from the ranch, but found out very shortly the mare was very lonely. Who could blame her Nikki thought, and so she bought another mare and an older gelding she thought would be perfect for Summer, Reid, and Faith when they were older. "Hello darlings", she said as she walked through the door. All 3 horses whinnied to her. She wanted to think it was because they missed her, but she knew they just wanted dinner. "Okay, Okay, I'm hurrying", she said. She dished out hay, measured grain, and topped off the water buckets, and ran back up to the house to get ready for a date with a man she swore she would never see again.

Victor headed up the driveway to the ranch, his sanctuary. It always had been in the past. He had had some of the best times of his life here, and too, the worst. He opened the garage door and noticed Nikki's car was not there. "Good" he said out-loud, but it was a weak attempt to convince himself he was happy she was gone. He walked in the house. It was dark. He was alone. He reached in his pocket for his ringing cell phone. "Hello?"

"Hey Dad! I saw you drive up" Nick replied.

"Yeah, I'm home".

"Well, um, I was thinking if you wanted we could grab dinner or something at the AC? Catch up you know?"

"Sounds great son".

"7 work for you?" Nick asked.

"Yea, um, I've got a few things here to finish up, so if I'm late just wait alright?"

"Yep, see you then".

At 7:15 Victor walked through the doors of the AC restaurant. His gaze went to the back of the room where his eyes rested on her. His heart was in his throat. After all this time, all the pain and joy, she still took his breath away. She was, as always, beautiful. Nikki's head was rolled back in laughter. Who was she with he wondered. He could not see who she was so in-captured with as a partition was blocking the view. He took a few steps to the side and his heart went from his throat to his stomach like a punch in the gut. His blood boiled just as intensely as the first time he saw Deacon with her. "That son of a..." Victor said under his breath. He had every intention of breaking every bone in that slimy mans body. He took 3 forceful steps towards the table when a hand touched his shoulder. Nick. His welcome home speech cut short as he directed his attention to the object of his fathers stare. Nick's jaw dropped. He was equally as shocked to see his mother out with Deacon. "Umm...we can go some place else if you want. I'm sorry dad, I had no idea" Nick said quickly.

"Don't apologize for your mother's poor choices" Victor shot back. "We are not changing our plans because of her. Just get a table far away so we don't have to see it". As they made their way to the table, Victor glanced back to Nikki. She was still laughing and unaware that Victor had seen her. Full of jealousy Victor mumbled under his breath, "I really should have killed him".

More to come.


	2. Chapter 2

Victor sipped his coffee and read for the fifth time the same line of his newspaper. In disgust, he threw the paper down. He could not concentrate. The events of the night before haunted him. He had so many questions. How was Nikki? Where was she living? Was she okay? Why was she with that piece of garbage Deacon Sharpe? Why did he even care? He knew the answer to that one. It was easy. He still loved her, he always would. He was not about to ask his son to reveal any of the other answers. He did not want Nick involved in that mess, but still it was driving him crazy. There was one person who knew the answers he needed, but would she tell him?

Nikki sat in the screened in porch wrapped in a blanked sipping coffee watching the horses enjoying their free time in the paddock. The quiet was interrupted by her cell phone. She picked it up and smiled, it was Deacon. What was she doing even entertaining this relationship, everyone in her family and almost the whole town hated him. They just didn't know him. He was wonderful. She always had such a great time with him, regardless of what they did. He made her feel young and beautiful. He saw her at her absolute worst, rock bottom, and he still wanted her. He wanted to help her help herself. He was showing her how to be herself. She had almost forgotten her. She couldn't remember when she felt so at ease with herself. She had no-one to please, no-one she had to pretend to be. With Deacon, they could do the simplest of things and still have fun, like playing cards. When was the last time she and Victor had played cards? Had they ever? Lost in thought, Nikki missed the call. She would call him back.

Victor got out of his car, headed for the door and rang the bell. "Hello Victor" Kay said with a smile. "Back from your trip I see. Where did you go?"

"Oh you know, here and there" Victor replied.

"Ah, not going to tell me huh?" Kay joked. "Come in, come in" she said and led him to the living room. "Well, what brings you by? I can see by your face this isn't a social call."

"It's Nikki. I need to ask you a few things about her." Kay froze, not wanting to reveal anything on her face. She had been torn between these two for years. They were both dear friends and she never wanted to add to the drama they were constantly facing. She had seen them work so hard to make things right, and then with the snap of a finger, watch everything go down the drain. "Umm" she hesitated, "Well, what about" she replied.

"I went to dinner last night with Nick and I saw her there with that piece of trash Deacon Sharpe."

"Victor, I don't really want to get into it."

"Kay, I'm begging you, please. If you won't tell me that, then where is she living? Is she okay?"

"Oh, well that I can tell you. You'll never believe this" she said with a laugh. "She has bought a house, with a barn for her horses. She's turned into a farmer or something!" Victor hid his disappointment. He knew Nikki couldn't go for long without seeing the horses, and so he had counted on her coming by the ranch. There he could talk to her. Now his hopes for that were shattered. "Kay, please" he pleaded. "What about Deacon?" he asked with desperation. Her heart broke for him and she could not deny him what he wanted. "Um, listen Victor. We've been friends for a long time right? So I'm not going to lie to you, but be prepared, you may not like what I have to say. She has been seeing Deacon, as you saw."

"How much?"

"Well, more often than not." Anger filled Victor as he rose from the couch and his voice raised "I knew it! I knew it! I accused her of seeing him long before I caught them together and she had the nerve to deny it with a passion! This whole time…."

"Victor! Victor!" Kay interrupted. "Shut up and sit down!" He looked at her in shock but did as she asked.

"Now you listen to me Victor Newman. When you left, Nikki was here on this very couch, crying in my arms for hours over you. She told me what happened. She did not lie to you. She was with Deacon one time, and one time only. Victor…." Kay struggled for the right words. "You must understand this, okay? She had made up this story in her head that if you found out she was drinking again, you would be disgusted with her, you would leave her."

"But I would never…"

"Yes, but she didn't know that. She had convinced herself that this story was truth. And so when you sent her to rehab and then flew off to Vegas, the very place you were supposed to marry Nikki, and married Meggie instead…"

"But that never happened!" Victor shouted.

"Yes dear, but she didn't know that. She saw the news on the internet and when she saw the picture, she thought her twisted story was reality. Her worst fear came true. Victor, she was devastated. Simply devastated." Victor looked at Kay with the wide eyes of a little child, "What do I do?"

"That my dear is up to you."

Nikki pulled her boots over her jeans and prepared to clean stalls. She looked at her manicured hands and laughed. Who would have ever thought they would be shoveling crap out of a horse's stall. No matter, it was good exercise if nothing else. Her sore arms were a reminder of that. She grabbed her coat and headed out.

Victor was driving north looking at the directions to Nikki's house Kay had given him. As he pulled up to the house he thought it charming, but really? Nikki living here? He walked to the porch and rang the bell. When no-one answered he looked through the window. The lights were on. He wandered over to the garage, her car was there. She was home. He walked around the house and saw the doors of the barn were open. She must be there. He walked quietly. If she were with a horse he didn't want to spook it. He saw her in the stall cleaning it, her cheeks rosy from the cold. He wanted to touch her, hold her, tell her he still loved her. Nikki looked up and their eyes locked. Her breath was taken away. In just a second all of the old feelings she felt for him came flooding back. She felt like that naïve girl that fell hopelessly in love with that tall, dark, and handsome stranger. Victor broke the silence and joked, "Well, I heard a rumor you were a farmer, so I had to see if it was really true." Nikki laughed, "Well, it's a change of pace that's for sure, but I would hardly call it farming!"

"Well, whatever you call it, it looks good on you" Victor responded. Nikki blushed and found herself annoyed that he still had that effect on her.

"Well, umm…" she struggled with what to say.

"Nikki, I came to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Us."

"Oh. Last time we spoke you said there was nothing to talk about and there was no 'us'." Victor tried to keep calm, but was frustrated she was being so cold towards him. "I lied" he replied. "And you did too."

"Oh?" she questioned, her anger getting the best of her. How dare he come here and accuse her of lying.

"Yes. You said you would never see Deacon Sharpe again and last night I saw you with him!" Victor replied, his voice raising. Nikki's temper got the better of her as she matched her tone with his. "And you said you could care less whether I see him or not."

"And you know damn well I didn't mean it!" he shouted.

"I don't know what you mean if you don't tell me Victor! I'm not a mind reader! If you don't….." her voice broke and then softened. "I can't do this. I won't do this. I think it's best if you just go" she said with eyes brimming with tears. She turned her back to him, she did not want him to see her cry. "Nikki" he pleaded.

"Just go. Please."

"Okay, but this is far from over." They both knew how true those words were.

As Victor drove away, he pounded his fist on the steering wheel. That was a damn disaster! Why did they always behave like overly emotional children? He had no intention of fighting with her, but the thought of her with another man drove him crazy. He would try again. If he knew one thing, it was if at first you don't succeed, try again.

Nikki sat on the couch reading a book trying to not think about Victor, when the doorbell rang. She opened the door and smiled. Deacon. "Hi! I was going to call you back but then,…."

"Then what?" Deacon asked.

"Umm, well,…Victor showed up. He's home."

"How did that go?" Deacon asked with a worried expression on his face.

"Oh, not good. We ended up in a screaming match. Come in, please, sit down. " her face filled with worry. "Listen, I need to tell you something and I just really need you to listen okay?"

"Sure. I'm listening."

"I was so young when I met Victor, still a teenager. I fell so hard, so fast, so completely for him. A part of me will always love him. And I don't know what part that is. Is it all of me? A small part? A big part? I don't know. And history, well, my history with Victor has this strange way of repeating itself. I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope. You have been so wonderful to me. I honestly hadn't thought much of Victor in the last few weeks and that's because of you. But today, when I saw him, those old feelings came back again and I…." she broke off.

"Nikki, listen to me. I'm not on a timeline okay? If you need time, then you take it, and as much or as little as you will give to me, I'll take it."

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm not going anywhere" he replied and leaned in to kiss her.

More to come.


	3. Chapter 3

Deacon lightly brushed his lips against Nikki's, once, then twice and lingered for a moment before moving to her throat and then neck. He moved to her ear and whispered " I can't get enough of you." A soft sigh escaped her lips as she sank back into the couch. His kisses deepened as urgency took over. He easily maneuvered her under him and began to unbutton her shirt. He was desperate to touch her skin and when his fingers fumbled with the buttons he ripped the shirt apart in one swift move, fabric tearing and buttons flying. He ran his hands down the front of her and his lips followed. The need to be together overcame them both and in a hot moment of passion the two made love. "Well, so much for taking things slow" Nikki said afterwards while lying in his arms. Deacon laughed and replied "I'm thinking that might be impossible." The moment was interrupted as Nikki's cell phone went off. "Do you need to get that?" Deacon asked. "Unfortunately yes" she replied. "Darling, Nikki? You there?" It was Kay. "I need to talk to you alright? "

"Kay, this isn't really a good time, later?"

"I'm on my way. I should be there in 15 minutes. See you then." Panic took over Nikki. "That's Kay, she's on her way. I'm sorry, but you've got to go." Reluctantly Deacon dressed and left as Nikki wrapped a blanket around herself and ran up the stairs to shower quickly before Kay arrived. Deacon had hoped after the time the two had spent together over the last month that Nikki would be ready to be more public about their relationship, but every time she seemed to balk. He wondered if it was that she did need more time, or if perhaps, there was something else.

As Nikki walked down the stairs, her hair dripping wet, the doorbell rang. She glanced in the mirror, her face still flushed. She wondered if Kay would be able to tell. She opened the door to greet Kay. "Hey. Come in. What brings you by?"

"I can't come to say hi?" Kay joked, then continued "I came because I spoke with Victor and I wondered if he came to see you?"

"He did."

"And. . . Darling what happened?" Kay asked as she followed Nikki to the living room.

"Well, as usual, we get our feelings hurt and start screaming."

"I'm sorry to hear that. He sounded like he wanted to take a step in the right direction." Her voice trailed off as she and Nikki noticed the pile of clothes on the floor. Nikki swore under her breath. In her panic to shower she left her clothes on the floor where Deacon threw them. "Hmm. . . Whatever in the world" Kay said as she picked the shirt up. "Dear God in Heaven Nikki! It looks like you were attacked by a wild animal." Nikki did her best to muffle a laugh. Kay looked closely at Nikki. "You know, come to think of it. I saw Deacon Sharpe driving the other way as I was coming here. Would he be uh. . . Responsible for this?" Kay asked with disapproval in her voice. Nikki lowered her head and although she didn't answer, there was no need, Kay knew. "Nikki, what in God's name is the matter with you? You cry over Victor leaving you, and then when he comes to try to right the situation, you send him away and sleep with this Deacon Sharpe."

"Kay, I . . " She faltered for words. "I don't know what I'm doing, exactly."

"Well" Kay said, her voice rising. "You'd better figure it out! Victor has taken a step in the right direction, are you going to meet him halfway, or slam the door in his face and continue to carry on with this, this, boy toy or whatever it is you're calling him?" Kay grabbed her purse and walked out the door leaving Nikki alone with her thoughts.

Nikki needed to think. She needed to get out of the house. She went to the barn and saddled her horse. Riding always helped clear her head. She headed out and began to sort out the mess in her head. What was it going to be? Victor or Deacon? She loved Victor, she always would, but that love seemed to destroy her, and yet even as toxic as it was, she couldn't stop it. Did she love Deacon? She didn't think so. Not yet anyway. Was she using him? A fun, hot distraction he most certainly was, but was that it? Could you base a relationship off of sex? Certainly it was important, but what about everything else? Maybe deep down she knew there was nothing else and that was why she tried to keep Deacon hidden. Deacon had been nothing but wonderful to her though and she knew he deserved better than to be treated like some dirty secret. As she rode on, the sun began to creep lower and lower towards the horizon, and so she headed back, still as unclear about her life as ever.

As Nikki opened the back door to let herself back in the house, the front doorbell rang. "Who in the world?" she wondered out loud. She took her coat off and walked to the door. It was Victor. "Victor" Nikki said hesitantly. "Nikki, I came to apologize. . Do you mind if I come in?" "Sure" she replied as she led him to the living room. "Nikki, I didn't come here earlier to fight with you. I never mean to fight with you, upset you. I just can't ever seem to get the words out right, and I get frustrated. . . " His voiced trailed off as he too noticed the ripped shirt lying on the couch. "Shit" Nikki said under her breath. Shit! Shit! Shit! She had completely forgot about it for the second time. She remembered she just left the house after Kay left. She meant to throw the damn thing away, and now, well here it was haunting her again. Victor picked the shirt up and looked at Nikki. The look in his eyes said everything. They were burning holes through her. He threw the shirt down in disgust and Nikki grabbed it and ran into the kitchen and put it in the garbage. She walked back slowly trying to bide herself some time, hoping something to say would come. What did you say about that? When she returned Victor snapped "You know, you really should clean things like that up." "Victor, I had no idea that you would be coming by." She walked over to the bar for a glass of water. She needed a distraction, this moment was far to awkward. When she turned around with her glass, Victor was inches away from her. "Do you love him?" he asked. Nikki laughed nervously "That's really none of your business Victor" she said as she took a step back from him. "I don't care if it's my business or not. Do you love him?" he asked again as he made up the distance she created. "Victor, this is ridiculous." She took another step back and when he took another forward she became flustered "Will you stop !" "Nikki, answer the question. Do you love him?" She took another step back and found she was backed up against the wall. She tried to move away to the left, he put his arm up, she tried the right, and again he put his arm up. She found herself caged in. As his gaze fell on her, she felt she couldn't speak. His presence so close was affecting her more than she could bear. "I don't know" she stammered and looked down. He lightly lifted her chin to meet his eyes. "I don't know. No. No." she said. "And do you love me?" Victor asked. His gaze went from her eyes to her lips. She could feel his breath on her, her knees were weak, her insides liquid. He asked again this time his lips whispered over hers. She trembled. "Yes" she whispered. "Yes. Always." Victor crushed his mouth to hers with a devastating kiss leaving Nikki defenseless. Her glass slipped from her hand and shattered on the floor below. Without a word, he turned and left . Nikki watched him go , and slid down the wall to her knees. She touched her lips with her finger, trying to recall if it were all a dream.

At 6 am Nikki thought it late enough to get out of bed. She hardly slept at all. Victor's kiss was burned in her brain, the taste of him still on her lips. She admitted to him that she loved him and not Deacon. That came as no surprise, but in saying it, she had opened herself back up to him. Here we go again she thought. Back for another round. Her phone rang sometime shortly after Victor had left. It was Deacon, but there was no way she could possibly talk to him. She could hardly get her thoughts straight much less have a conversation. She began to make coffee as the doorbell rang. When she opened the door, she saw a pair of legs and an enormous vase full of flowers. "Nikki Newman?" the delivery man asked. "Yes." "These are for you, I'll put them down for you where ever you like. It's really heavy." "Thank you" she said. "Right over here in the kitchen." She walked him out and then went back to read the card. "I thought of you all night. Love, Victor" it read. She laughed to herself, and figured he knew damn well she thought of him too. The doorbell rang again and she wondered if the delivery man had forgotten something. She was shocked to see Deacon at the door with a box. "Hi" he said. "I tried to call you last night but you didn't pick up."

"I'm sorry. I was um, a little busy."

"Well, we had to say goodbye so quickly yesterday, I just wanted to check in with you."

"Kay and her impeccable timing" she replied with a laugh. "I was smart enough to leave my shirt on the floor" she continued with sarcasm.

"Oh no!"

"Yea! She asked if I was attacked by a wild animal!" With a laugh, Deacon responded "Well, in a sense you were. Which is why I brought you this." He handed her the box. "New shirt for the one I destroyed." He bent down to kiss her but she shied away. "What is it?" he asked. He looked over her shoulder and saw the flowers in the kitchen. He walked over to them and read the card. Hurt flooded his face. "Nikki, I know we said we were gonna take it slow, but I didn't think that you would be seeing Victor too."

"Deacon, I . . " and she trailed off. He felt like he was losing ground and so he tried to reason with her.

"Listen, I know it's a hard thing to take that leap of faith, try something new. But Nikki, nothing worth having comes easy, and I think what we have is worth the risk. Victor treats you like garbage time and again. I know you feel like you owe him something because of your past but you don't. Going back to him, that's the easy way out."

"Being with Victor is never the easy way out" she replied.

"Then why would you even consider it!"

"Because I still love him" she blurted out. She quickly covered her mouth with her hand Deacon turned away trying to regain his composure. That was the last thing he expected her to say. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me." And he turned and left.

Nikki sat down. Did that just happen? The sub conscience has an evil way of showing is ugly head. It was like someone else said those words. They came out of her mouth, yes. It was true, yes. But, she would never have said something that hurtful on purpose. At any rate, it was over. She'd made her choice, although, there was really never any choice at all. She knew what she needed to do. She needed to see Victor.

When she got to his door, she almost went back to the car. This was it. If he opened the door, there would be no going back. She reached her hand out and rang the bell. He opened the door with a smile. "I was hoping you'd come. I thought of you all night." He reached out to touch her face, his thumb tracing over her lips. She stepped into him and he circled his arms around her pulling her to him. Their lips met and Nikki forgot all her doubts. She just wanted him to kiss her forever. Without breaking contact Victor turned her into the house and closed the door behind her and pushed her up against it. "I'm a very selfish man, Nikki" he said in between kisses. "I want you all to myself. I won't share you. " Nikki shook her head and said "No. No sharing." Victor smiled "Good." He reached under her coat and ran his hands up the length of her. She reached up to his ear and whispered "Take me upstairs." With no hesitation he did.

Nikki's eyes fluttered open. She was at the ranch. Home. Victor's arms around her, the morning sun coming through the windows. She looked up to find him watching her. He bent down and kissed her. "You're beautiful" he said. She turned into him and melted into his kiss.

Across town Kay opened her door to find Ronan Malloy. "I've got some new news about the Meggie McClaine case you and Murphy might like to hear."

"Oh?" Kay replied.

"Yeah. Turns out she had an accomplice. Deacon Sharpe." Kay's jaw dropped in horror. She had to tell Nikki. The sooner the better.

More to come.


	4. Chapter 4

Deacon was filled with guilt. This didn't come as a surprise, he'd felt this way many times. Usually, he wouldn't think twice, but this time it was consuming him. This wasn't part of the plan. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with Nikki, but he had. He knew they had taken a break, although those words were never actually said. What she had said was that she loved Victor, but he knew that. He also knew that just because you loved someone didn't mean you were in love with them. He knew Nikki needed to work that out for herself and he wanted her to. He also knew that if they were ever to go any further than where they were at this point, he had to come clean. The reality of her finding out his involvement in Meggie's scheme was slim, he could easily just sweep it under the rug, but he knew, it would come between them, his guilt would see to that. He had to tell her. He drove over to her house but she didn't answer the door. He walked down to the barn and saw a teenage boy in the stall mucking it out. The boy was a neighbor who said he helped out whenever she needed to make some extra money. Deacon asked where she was and was told she went somewhere for the night, something about a ranch or something. He looked at the phone number Nikki had left on the whiteboard, and Deacon knew she was at Victor's. He thought himself to be crazy or stupid, probably both, but he was going, he had to.

Victor was downstairs reading his paper, a smile on his face. He'd had a smile on his face ever since last night, ever since Nikki came to him. It was right, they were right together. They would put the past behind them, like always, and realize that this is where they belonged. In whispered moments, she'd told him he was the only one she loved. The only one who would ever have all of her. She was still upstairs, showering and doing whatever it is women do in the bathroom for hours. He could wait, they had all the time in the world.

Nikki was standing in front of the mirror putting her makeup on. She was still in disbelief about last night. It was wonderful, but she couldn't believe she had actually come. It was like some outside force was guiding her, taking her straight to Victor. One night of passion was certainly not the cure for the problems that plagued them. It was more like a huge band aid slapped over a gaping wound. For Victor that would be enough, but not for her, they needed to talk. They still had never discussed Meggie at any length, or what Nikki was thinking when everything hit the fan. Deacon, no, they never came close to that topic, except for Victor telling her what a piece of trash he was. They never touched on how hurt Victor must have been to find Nikki with Deacon. And, Nikki had most definitely not told Victor that even after rehab, she was still eyeing the booze. Their problems were never in the bedroom, that was easy. It was everything else she was worried about.

Deacon pushed the doorbell at the ranch and prayed to God Nikki would answer the door. "What the hell are you doing here!" Victor bellowed, his smile fading fast. "I can't believe you would have the nerve to actually come here. You get the hell out of here now before I make you, you got that?"

"Victor, I need to see Nikki, it's important."

"Like hell you do!"

"Two minutes, that's it. That's all I'm asking for."

"I don't care if it's two seconds you sonofabitch! Ain't gonna happen!" Nikki heard the commotion and came down the stairs, "Victor, what is going on? Who are you. . ." she trailed off as she saw Deacon.

"Nikki" Deacon said and brushed past Victor. "I need to talk to you."

"Deacon, um. . . Now is not good."

"Please. A few minutes. You need to hear this. I owe you the truth." Victor was becoming further enraged. "I'm not going to ask again. Get out now, or I'll beat the hell out of you like I should have done months ago!" Victor went in for the kill and had his arm around Deacon's neck in a choke hold. Nikki looked on horrified as Kay walked in. "Dear God in Heaven Victor, don't kill him." She quickly pulled out her cell phone and told whomever she was calling to come quickly to the ranch. Kay looked at Deacon and said, "Young man, you are in a lot of trouble." Nikki was becoming quickly confused, what was going on? "I think Mr. Sharpe as been hiding a few things from you my dear." Kay told Nikki. "That's what I'm here for!" Deacon stammered. His whole world was coming down around him. He had to act fast or Nikki would never believe him. He might have entered with bad intentions, but that wasn't the case now, she had to know that. "I don't understand." Nikki said.

"Well, darling" Kay went on, "It seems as though Mr. Sharpe and Meggie were quite good friends. You might even say partners in crime."

"Kay, what are you talking about?" Nikki asked.

"Just that. He was in on the plan to murder Victor. His part was to get you in a. . . um. . . A compromising situation, shall we say, and then Meggie would lead Victor right to it. You see, Meggie figured out that Victor wouldn't leave you just because you were drinking again, so she had to find another way."

"But how did they meet?" She asked looking at Kay, then turned to Deacon, "Is this true?"

"It's true," Kay went on, "Deacon caught Meggie spiking your drink at Gloworm and got in on the deal. He would lure you into bed in exchange for a part of the fortune Meggie thought she would inherit." Nikki sat down on the couch in shock. She was numb, her eyes glazed over, her head spinning.

"Nikki! Nikki! There is more to it then that! Please, listen. . ." Deacon was cut off as Victor punched him square in the face. "Victor, that will do" Kay scolded, "The police are on the way." As promised, Ronan walked in and read Deacon his rights and hauled him off to jail. Nikki needed air. She knew she was about to get a lecture from Kay and Victor, and she couldn't handle it. She got up, grabbed her purse and left as Victor shouted after her.

She was so tired of this drama. She was so tired of thinking. Thinking about Deacon, and how her best friend and children were giving her constant grief over it. Thinking about how Deacon had lied to her from day one. Tired of thinking about Victor. Tired of thinking about the lawsuit Victoria and Abby had filed. Tired of the mess Sharon, Adam, and Skye had stirred up. She took the 30 day chip Deacon had given her and threw it out the window. She knew just the thing to make her stop thinking.

Victor had wanted to go after Nikki, but Kay persuaded him to let her go. She was in shock, and probably denial about everything that had just happened. They both agreed, however painful, she needed to know the truth. They both couldn't be happier that Deacon was out of her life.

Nikki got home and put the brown paper bag on the counter. Her hand was shaking, but not out of fear, it was out of desperation. She wanted to drink until she couldn't remember her name. She took a glass and poured the vodka. The first glass was forbiddingly delicious. The second was like meeting an old lost friend. The third was like coming home. She couldn't remember after that, but then again that was the point.

The sun had gone down long ago. Victor was worried that he hadn't heard from Nikki. He wanted to give her time, but he needed to see that she was alright, after all, the rug had been pulled out from underneath so to speak. She wasn't picking up her phone and so his worry was only heightened. He grabbed his car keys. He needed to make sure she was okay.

More to come.


	5. Chapter 5

Nikki was drunk and her glass was empty. She stood up and braced one arm on the wall as she staggered into the kitchen. She could have sworn she only bought one bottle, but right now she saw two. She squinted, then closed one eye to concentrate "There you are!" she slurred. She poured another glass and took a sip. She chose to stay in the kitchen, as the walk back and forth to the living room was getting increasingly difficult. She hadn't thought of a thing after the second drink. She was just feeling good. Nothing was serious and everything was funny. She grew concerned as she looked at the bottle on the counter, it was almost empty. After the fifth drink she'd had, she thought it a good idea to call the liquor store to see if they delivered. Much to her dismay, they did not. She couldn't remember the whole conversation, but she did remember yelling at the man telling him that he was encouraging drinking and driving. She was interrupted by a knock at the door. Her eyes lit up, maybe they did deliver after all. Or, maybe it was someone else, and as she looked at the almost empty bottle, she decided she was not about to share it. She got up and stumbled to the door as quietly as she could making a zigzag across the hallway. She couldn't have walked a straight line to save her life. It was Victor. No way was she opening the door. She was not about to let him spoil her good mood with a lecture about all the bad choices she'd made, especially the latest. As she turned away from the door she knocked the lamp off the end table and sent it crashing to the ground "Oops!" she giggled. Victor heard the noise and began knocking even harder, "Nikki, open the damn door or I'll break it down!" She knew that he probably would so she opened it just a crack. "Victor, you're soooooo dramatic!" she slurred. "What in the hell is going on in there?" he asked as he opened the door and looked at the shattered lamp on the floor. She laughed, "Just a lil' accident."

"What's the matter with you?" he asked.

"Not a thing! I feel faaantastic!" she squealed. His eyes grew wide with knowledge, "Have you been drinking?"

"You know, I'm getting sick of you asking me that."

"Damn it Nikki!" his voice rising, "What the hell were you thinking? You've been sober for 2 months. Why in the hell would you do this?""You know" she drawled "This is why I didn't want to open the door. I don't need a lecture from you Victor Newman. You are ruining a perfectly good time!" Victor strode past her to the kitchen and found her glass and the bottle of Vodka. He took both to the sink and began to pour them out as Nikki shrieked for him to stop "No! No! Stop that! I was not finished with that!"

"Oh, you're finished" he shot back.

"Victor" she trailed off, "Did you know that they don't deliver that? I called like four places. I think I might be on to something, you know a delivery service for vodka! I hope you brought me some more."

"I said you were finished!" he said sternly.

"Oh, I just knew you'd be no fun at all!" she slurred. "You've officially ruined my good time, so why don't you just leave!" she shouted back.

"Oh, I'm leaving" he replied as he grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder.

"I did not mean go upstairs Victor" she giggled. He didn't not respond but kept walking towards the door as she continued, "Oh, the car. . . That could be fun. . ." Victor put her in the car and began to drive to the ranch. She rambled on for a few minutes before passing out. He carried her upstairs, took her shoes off, and put her to bed. As he walked down the stairs he found one of the housekeepers and told her to pour every drop of alcohol down the drain immediately, and if Nikki should ask for any, it was out of the question.

Nikki's eyes opened. She sat up. Where was she? Her head felt like a vice clamp was on it. Hell, she thought. I'm in Hell. Her eyes began to focus and she realized she was at the ranch. Okay, so not Hell. I must be dying instead she thought. She was feeling worse and worse by the minute. How did she get here? Did she drive? Did she come to Victor last night? She looked down at herself, she was in the same clothes that she'd had on yesterday. That ruled that out. She began to remember bits and pieces of last night. She remembered getting the vodka and drinking it. . . everything after that was blank. She got up and went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She wasn't in Hell nor was she dying, she just looked like it. She could smell the alcohol on her. She stripped down and got in the shower. The hot water felt great, but it was just a momentary feeling. She found a pair of black trouser cut slacks and a white top in the closet and threw it on. She looked a little better, surely she smelled better, but she felt worse. Aspirin was not going to touch this hangover. She needed a drink, just a little one, hair of the dog. Just a little bit to get her through this morning then she would be done and she would just pretend this never happened. It was just a circumstantial relapse she convinced herself. She crept down the stairs, the bar was just at the bottom. She thought she would just sneak a little glass and then be on her way. No one would see a thing. The decanters were not on the top as usual, so she went behind the bar and began rifling around. "Ahem" Victor cleared his voice, "Looking for something?" Nikki looked up wide eyed, "Um. . . " she knew she was busted but continued, "Um. . Aspirin."

"You know damn well it's not here" he replied sternly. Nikki brushed past him and went into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle. She felt so awful she thought about taking the whole bottle, but settled for four. "That's too many" Victor said. Nikki looked right at him as she popped them in her mouth and chased them down with a glass of water. "Do you want to tell me what happened last night?" he asked. "Well, I think that's obvious" she replied with sarcasm. Her mood was foul and she was hardly able to think straight much less have a conversation. "Obviously. What were you thinking? Nikki. . .?"

"I wasn't thinking Victor. That was the whole point."

"Well, you succeeded!" his voice rising. Nikki was becoming annoyed, "You know what? I don't need a lecture from you on what good and bad decisions are okay? I'm not a child!"

Victor shouted, "Well you could have fooled me!" Nikki raised her arms up, "Shhh. . . God, my head. Please don't shout! I need to leave."

"You are not leaving. How do I know you won't go back to that liquor store and start all over again? I just found you looking for more."

"For Christ's sake Victor, give it a rest."

"Nikki, we need to talk about this, you are not leaving until we do." Nikki brushed past him and walked out the door as Victor watched. As she stepped outside she noticed her car was not there. She walked back in, "Can you take me back?"

"No" he answered.

"No? No? This is ridiculous. Fine, I'll walk." She didn't know why she was behaving so badly, but she couldn't help herself.

"You'll walk? It's at least 10 miles" Victor questioned.

"Maybe the fresh air will do me good."

"Now you are acting like a child."

"Well, I'd hate to disappoint you then" she replied snidely as she walked out the door. Half way down the drive way she threw her high heels off and cursed who ever invented them. Walking barefoot in Wisconsin in January was much more less pleasant so she put them back on and hobbled to the guard station at the gate where she called a cab.

Victor had wanted to call the guard house and tell them to keep Nikki there, but instead called Katherine. He told her everything that had happened. He told her Nikki would not talk to him. Kay was in shock that Nikki had started drinking again, but promised to go to her right away.

Sometimes, when a storm passes, you wonder if it were really as bad as you thought. Nikki looked at the shattered lamp on the floor. There laid the damage. Trees stripped bare, will re-grow their leafs. Towns destroyed, will be rebuilt, but some things can never be completely healed. What happens when the storm is nothing of nature, but something inside? What if it takes the shape of a human? You never suspect the ones you love to ruin you, but they do because they are the only ones who can. Nikki had had her heart trampled on many times, but she still came back for more because the one thing she wanted was love. Her storm started long ago. How does one forget the abuse of a parent? As a child, you love unconditionally and because of this are easily shattered. She had wanted the love of her father more than anything. She thought if she could love him enough, or make him happy enough, it would happen. She'd had to learn the hard way about that. Although she didn't talk about it, she will never forget the day he tried to rape her and in defense, she'd killed him. Even still, she'd always sought love from a man, perhaps to make up for the lack of which she'd gotten from her father. Maybe that was the reason she was never without a man in her life for long. She remembered Victor had opened her eyes to a new world. A world in which dreams came true. Being with Victor was a dream. She loved him completely and he had loved her. But, some will say, you cannot know a dream without knowing a nightmare. She had known the nightmare, even with Victor. Still, when she closed her eyes, she prayed the dream would come.

Victor had his own inner storm as well. He had been abandoned, or rather given away by his mother. He knew the rational his mother had made, there wasn't enough money, not enough food, but these were things a parent says to make sleep come easier, to know their child is better off. A child cannot understand this. A child only feels the loss. Victor would have rather been hungry than to be given up. It would be a fair assumption to say that he would not be the man he is today had this event not taken place. He created a new name and a new life, but he still carried the baggage from years gone by. He could do anything he put his mind to, anything he wanted, but he could not, or would not, love completely. He was capable of love, he did love, but he did not trust in it, and so he would leave before he could be left as had happened to him when he was a child. As strong and powerful of a man as he was, when it came to love, he had the mentality of a child. When you are ten, you think if you run away, your problems will be solved. You pack your little bag and are on your way to happiness. But, with years comes wisdom, comes the knowledge, that if you don't solve the problems at bay, they will follow you wherever you run. Victor was not going to run this time. He knew he needed Nikki, and whatever the outcome, he wasn't going to let her go without a fight.

The door was open as Kay approached. She saw Nikki on her knees looking at shards of what once was a lamp. Kay knelt down next to her, "Don't cry over a lamp Dear."

"I'm not crying over the lamp, Kay. I'm crying over how it got here. . . "

"I know. Um. . . Victor told me."

"I'm so tired Kay. I'm tired of trying to prove everyone wrong" Nikki said with tears streaming down, "Maybe I'll just give in, you know? Just quit. I'll be what they all think I am anyways. A stripper. An Alcoholic. . . Trash."

"Nikki. . . Nikki. You know I will always be a shoulder for you to cry on, but I can't be a part of this pity party. You are better than this. I have never said those things about you, no one who loves you has. Those people who have, they don't know you. They are jealous of you."

"Jealous? Of me?" Nikki said with a laugh.

"Yes! You are beautiful, smart, kind, a wonderful mother, and at least where Ashley and Diane are concerned, you've always had the one thing they wanted, Victor."

"But what about Victor? He will remind me of where I've come from. . . No hesitation. He's not jealous of me."

"No Dear, not jealous. He's scared."

"Of me?"

"Yes. Don't you see. . . You are the only one who can. . . Who has the power to break his heart. It scares the devil out of him."

"Victor's heart can't be broken" Nikki snorted.

"It's breaking right now. He called me you know. . . Nikki he is so worried about you. Now, you know he would never say so, but he does blame himself for this. I've seen the two of you on this merry-go-round for years and years. Neither one of you is getting off the ride, so you've got to figure out how to make it work." Nikki knew Kay was right, but how did she start? How do you lighten the load of the baggage that plagues you? How do you erase the hurt of years gone by? On this she had no idea, but she did know that she loved Victor. She always had and she always would, and that was a good start.


	6. Chapter 6

Nikki woke up with a jolt, it was just a dream she reassured herself, but Kay's words still rang in her ears as though it were yesterday. That night was the last time she'd seen Kay, or anyone else for that matter. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she knew she needed to leave. She didn't tell anyone until after the fact, she knew they would all try to persuade her to stay. She remembered picking up the shattered lamp after Kay left, and thought of herself as the broken shards. As she gathered them up, she knew she needed to do the same for herself, no one else would. But now, she was nervous, even her hands were sweaty. She wasn't nervous to go home, she'd been back to visit plenty of times, but this was different. She was actually moving back. If it weren't for Faith, Summer, Reed, and Victoria's new baby, she would never have considered it. Some had said she'd just run away, and in a sense, she did. But what did you do when the whole world went crazy? Did you sit around and pray it got better as it slowly drove you insane? She was half way there already. Her children were grown, she wasn't married, nothing was holding her down, so, she was free to leave. She felt the guilt of not seeing her family everyday, but Nikki needed to get her life in order, once and for all.

She could recall most of what had happened. She had 'run away' so to speak once before, when she left Paul at the alter. She'd needed the same thing then, to get her life in order, to be selfish and just focus on herself. She'd had to rush back when Victor was shot and close to death, she couldn't live with herself if he had died, and she wasn't there. She knew she probably couldn't live with herself if he died at all. Tragedy bringing them together was a reoccurring theme where Nikki and Victor were concerned, and before long he was well, and they were engaged once again. She was shocked at how well they were getting along, could it be, they'd actually turned a corner? She had to laugh at the thought. Like that could actually ever happen! It was just the calm before the storm, the peacefulness before everything hit the fan. Oh, and did it ever hit the fan!

Who even cares the order in which things happened? Who can even remember? It was like unbridled chaos at it's finest. Meggie got her drinking. Victor caught her in bed with a younger man who had plotted with Meggie. Meggie tried to kill Victor for his money. Deacon, the younger man, got found out. Victor framed Adam, his own son, for murdering Skye Newman, Adam's wife at the time. Nikki didn't feel bad about that, he never paid for his previous crimes, but none the less. . . Sharon had gone to find Skye to clear Adam. Skye fell in a volcano (seriously?), Sharon was badly burned. Adam was cleared and married Sharon and the two moved away. Victor was cleared because there wasn't enough evidence to support his part in framing Adam, and since Skye really was dead, she wasn't talking. Not to mention, the lawsuit Abby and Victoria had filed against Victor ended, leaving Beauty Of Nature to Victoria and Abby. And, the worst thing was probably that her son was sleeping with Diane Jenkins. Her worst nightmare. Well, that wasn't the worst thing, but probably the most disturbing, at one point she was his step-mother!

So she ran. She was trying to figure out who she was without Victor. She was trying to stay sober. Pandora's Box had been opened in Genoa City, and she could think of only two ways to deal with it. Leave, or get drunk. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't considered to keep drinking, but she knew she couldn't go down that road again, so leaving it was. She remembered the last Christmas she'd shared with her family. Victor wasn't even going to show, but he did and it did wonders for her heart. If only there were a way to bottle that feeling, so that in times of crisis, you could just open it up and remember the good things in life. She remembered the moment on the porch as they shared a tender goodbye, would it always be that way? Would she always feel that pull towards him? So much went between them that remained unsaid, but it was too late. Who knew what he was doing now, it had been 5 years.

They were getting closer, by her watch, the plane should be landing in thirty more minutes. The nagging pit of fear in her stomach was eating her up. Why was she being so silly anyway? This was her home, this was her family. Her biggest fear was that she wouldn't be able to keep it together. She'd been sober for 5 years. She'd made a life for herself, one without a man. She was strong, she was confident, she was happy. It wasn't an easy road. She'd had to look at herself very critically. She'd had to dig up the past. But now she needed closure. She needed to see if she were really as strong as she thought. That's what her therapist said anyhow. A therapist? Oh yes. Now, Nikki knew she should have gone to one years ago, she could joke with herself and say, probably the day she was born. She got quite comfortable on the couch at the psychiatrists office, spilling her guts. It was hard to open up at first, to relive the memories of her father and of her childhood, but once she began, it was like she couldn't stop. They moved on to her days at the strip club, her marriages (and there were quite a few), her infidelities, her children, her addiction to alcohol, and of course Victor. The easy way out was to blame Victor for all the wrong in her world, but, without him, she wouldn't have had any of the good. She would have stayed in that strip club and ended up God knows where, she would never have met her best friend Katherine, and most of all, she would never have had her children, and now, her grandchildren. She had been back to visit many times in the last 5 years, for holidays, and a few birthdays, but with the exception of one time, she had never seen Victor. When the lawsuit was resolved, Victor refused to forgive Victoria and Abby. He could put his differences aside for the grandchildren, but the relationship with his daughters had never been the same. It probably never would be. Long gone were the days of Newman family gatherings.

She waited at the baggage carousel. She'd only brought 4 bags, that wasn't that much. She would have brought more but that seemed a little bit excessive, especially since she had no idea where she was staying. She left everything else in a storage facility in South Carolina. She liked the idea of a warm climate and she wanted to think southern charm really did exist, Charleston was the best place. She rented a townhouse not far from King Street, right in the heart of the city and she really did love it there. Victoria had called a month before and told her the good news, after 5 years of heartbreak, she and Billy were finally having a baby. Nikki's lease was up in the next month, maybe it was a sign that it was time for her to go home.

She drove her rental car to the Athletic Club Hotel and went into the lobby to check in. She looked around, nothing had changed. She tipped the bellboy after he dropped off her bags and decided not to unpack them, she couldn't stay here long. She needed her own place, maybe she would rent another house. Renting was safe, if things didn't work out, she could just pack up and head back to Charleston. The rumbling in her stomach reminded her that she hadn't eaten at all that day so she headed downstairs to the AC Restaurant. Before, she would have called room service rather than dine at a table for one, but being alone didn't frighten her the way it once had. "Nik? Nik? Is that you? What in the world?" Nikki looked up to see Jack Abbots smiling face. "Well, this is a surprise! When did you get in?" he asked. Nikki got up and returned Jack's warm embrace. "Hello, stranger" she replied. "Stranger? Nope, that's you. Mind if I join you?"

"No, no, not at all."

"Well, when did you get in?"

"Today, just about an hour ago. I wasn't sure if I'd even go through with it, but. . . Um, here I am."

"And I'm glad of it. Nik, you look. . . Great. Great, but different."

"Must be the Botox" she joked.

"No, I think it's something else. You look happy."

"I am happy Jack. Well, now I'm nervous, but I figured I would be."

"Nervous? I'm sure Victoria and Nicholas are thrilled you're home."

"Well. . . " she gave a nervous laugh, "I didn't exactly tell them I was coming. I. . . I guess I wanted to leave myself an out, incase I couldn't go through with it." Jack looked at Nikki with a confused expression on his face, so she continued, "I guess I was afraid coming back here would bring up old memories. . . I've worked so hard to get past it all, you know? And I just thought maybe being in Genoa City would. . . Well I thought maybe I might go back to the person I was. I'm not really her biggest fan. . ." she trailed off with a laugh.

"Victor."

"Victor?"

"Yea, it's Victor you're afraid of."

"Jack, I'm hardly afraid of Victor. . . I haven't seen him in 5 years, and you know. . . I found out I don't need him, but. . ."

"But you still love him."

"Jack, I know I'm an idiot, but what can you do? I've been playing the avoidance card but that doesn't really solve anything. . .Can we change the subject?" Jack laughed, "Oh yes, the mustache was never my favorite dinner topic anyway! What have you been up to in, ahh. . . Charleston? Is that right?"

"Yes. You know just living. Working. . ." she looked at Jack with a smile. "Did you know I have the perfect job?"

"Oh? And do tell."

"I'm a professional shopper. Who knew?" Jack let out a roar of laughter. "Well, Nik, I know you're good at that!"

"Yea, I am a buyer for a few department stores, and several high end boutiques. I basically shop around for items that I think would cater to their customers, and buy them. Of course I have to go over the sales reports and see what things are selling and what is not, and then you know, make the changes, but I love it."

"You know, I'm just glad to see you so happy. It really shows you know?" Nikki beamed as she thanked Jack.

"I can work pretty much from anywhere, so I'll just keep on going, but I wanted to be here when Victoria's baby is . . . " she closed her eyes and covered her mouth, "Just pretend I didn't say that."

"What? I can't pretend I didn't hear that Nikki!" Jack said as his eyes grew bright with excitement.

"Oh, I suppose not. . . I wasn't supposed to say anything. They are keeping quiet about it, it's a little too soon to say for sure, they didn't want to get everyone's hopes up. But, the doctor is very optimistic."

"When are they planning to announce it?"

"I think she was planning on having a small party, um, just family and close friends."

"Well, this day is getting better and better. You've come back home and now this, another baby. You know, no one deserves it more than Victoria and Billy."

"I know. The heartbreak those two have had to endure is just . . . It's the worst feeling in the world to watch your child suffer that way, and there is nothing you can do." They finished with dinner and said their good-byes. As Nikki walked back to her room, she had a smile on her face. She was thankful she had the good fortune to see Jack, he could always put her at ease.

The next morning Nikki headed over to Victoria's. "Oh my God! Mom!" Victoria squealed as she wrapped her arms around her mother. "This is great! When did you get here? Why didn't' you call?"

"I wanted to surprise you" Nikki replied as she returned the hug. "Well, I'll say! Billy and Reed aren't here, they went out to run a few errands, but Ohhh. . . They are gonna be so glad to see you!" "Well, that's okay, we can catch up for awhile. So, I ran into Jack last night, and I may or may not have let your big news slip. . . Sorry." Victoria rolled her eyes and smiled, "Well, I guess he was going to find out sooner or later."

" I know baby, but I'm sorry I ruined the surprise, it just slipped out. We are both so happy for you and Billy."

"It's the best news we've heard in a long time. Finally. I just don't want to jinx it, you know?"

"I know" Nikki said reassuringly.

"So, where are you staying at?"

"Oh, the club. . . I hate that place you know, I didn't even unpack my suitcases" Nikki replied with a laugh.

"Well, why don't you stay here with us? We've got plenty of room and I would love it, and Reed. . ."

"Sweetie, I appreciate it, I really do, but I need to have my own space. I was thinking of renting a townhouse or something. . ."

"So you're staying!" Victoria's eyes lit up. Nikki looked at her daughter with love in her eyes, "Of course, I wouldn't miss the birth of my new grandchild for anything!"

"You don't know how much this means to me mom. I didn't want to ask, to you know, put that pressure on you, but. . ." Nikki finished her thoughts "You wanted me here. I know."

"Okay, so you want your own place, I get that, but why don't you stay here until you find one?" Nikki laughed at her daughters determination. "Okay, okay. Um. . . I need to see your brother, and Katherine, and then grab my things. I should be back here in a few hours, is that okay?"

"Yes, I'll be here. Ohhh, Mom, I'm so glad you're back." The two hugged one more time and Nikki headed out to Newman Enterprises.

She sat in her car in the parking garage for a few minutes. God, she hoped she didn't run into Victor, she was not ready for that yet. She decided to take the elevator up to the floor below the office and then take the staircase up. She snuck around the hallway to Nick's office silently laughing at herself. When she opened the door, she saw Nick at his desk, his head buried in files. He heard someone come in but didn't look up, "Yes?"

"Well, is that anyway to greet your mother?" Nikki asked with a laugh in her voice. Nick's head shot up and he stood up and ran to his mother, picking her up off the floor in a huge hug.

"Mom? God, it's . . . It's been a long time. I've missed you. You know, I . . . I have a meeting actually" He looked at his watch, "That I'm late for."

"You know, you sound like your father, can't spare a few minutes. . . " she said with a smile. In good humor Nick replied, "I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult."

"I'm not sure either! Listen, I'm going to be staying at Victoria's, just for a little while, so later, can you stop by with the girls?" Nick looked down, a wave of annoyance sweeping over him.

"Mom, you know Victoria and I, we really aren't on good terms. . ."

"Nicholas, it's been a long time, you need to put this behind you."

"I know, but its hard to give up the grudge. I can't stand Billy, and after the lawsuit. . . Its just hard you know?"

"Okay, you are your father. Nick, it's not like you to behave this way. Please, for me? Just stop over for a few minutes. It won't kill you, I'm sure of it." Nick looked at his mother's pleading face, "You're killing me " he replied with a laugh. Nikki knew she'd won that small battle and smiled, "Thank you. See you soon." She turned to leave then stopped and turned back to Nick, "Um. . . Do you think maybe you . . . Don't tell your father I was here okay?" Nick nodded his head knowingly.

Victoria and Nikki finished bringing the bags into the room Nikki would be staying in. "So, how was Katherine?" Victoria asked. "Good, very surprised to see me."

"Well, we all were."

"Victoria, I asked Nick to come over and bring the girls, I hope that's okay. . ."

"Mom. . ." Victoria did not try to hide the annoyance in her voice.

"Listen, I'll tell you the same thing I told Nick, It's time to end this. It's gone on too long."

"Mom, I don't have a problem calling it water under the bridge and moving on, but Nick hates Billy, and he and Dad are working side by side, and I'm running Beauty of Nature on my own, it's. . . complicated to say the least.""You two were so close, it just breaks my heart it's all come down to this."

"You held us all together mom, and. . . It's all just a huge mess now. We all live close by, but we all have separate lives it seems. . ."

"Well, we have to start somewhere then don't we" Nikki said optimistically, while Victoria couldn't shake the feeling of doubt.

The days went by fast, it was hard to believe she'd been back for a week. Her children were taking baby steps back to each other, she was trying hard not to push them too hard or fast, but she was determined to get her family back together, well. . . At least that part of it, she still had yet to see Victor. She'd made everyone promise not to tell him she was even here, but she was walking a thin line, it was a small town and the cat would be out of the bag before long. She'd found a townhouse, fully furnished, which was perfect, she still didn't want to send for all her things, not yet, it was still too soon. Billy was out of town for an assignment, and Victoria had a few errands to run, so Nikki offered to watch Reed. She was on the phone with a client in Charleston and didn't hear the doorbell ring.

"Grandpa!" Reed exclaimed as he gave Victor a hug. Victor smiled at his grandson.

"Hello! I found a few of your video games at the ranch. Must have forgotten them last weekend.""Did you play 'em?" Victor laughed as he remembered when Reed and Summer had convinced him to play, and then proceeded to beat the pants off of him.

"No, no. . ." he trailed off as he heard her.

"I just finished looking over the quarterly sales report, and I've made some changes. Yes, yes." He walked in the room and saw her on the phone. Her hair piled up on top her head, and black framed reading glasses on, Victor blinked several times, was he seeing things? Nikki continued, "I know you don't want to make a drastic change, but if it sits on the shelf, you're not making money" her expression was rapidly changing as she grew more and more frustrated, "Mr. Larsen, if you are happy just barely breaking even then I guess we have no problems, but lets be honest for a moment shall we? That's not going to cut it, so , why don't you let me do my job?" She looked up, her eyes wide in shock. She stammered into the phone a few short replies and hung up. "Victor. . ."

"Nikki. What a surprise. When did you get in?" he asked as confusion crossed his face. Nikki looked down, she looked around the room, she looked everywhere but at Victor. This was not how she had planned to see him for the first time. "Reed, do you think you can give your grandfather and I a few minutes alone?" Reed obliged and ran up the stairs.

"Nikki?"

"Well, a week or so. . ." Victor gave an audible gasp of shock., "Well, it seems everyone has been keeping me in the dark then."

"I asked them to Victor, I didn't really see the point. . ." she trailed off.

"You didn't see the point?" he asked sternly.

"No. I mean, well, no" she stammered. Victor couldn't hide the shock on his face, was she serious? Nikki tried to end the awkward moment while she still felt in control, "Victor, I've got a few things to finish up here, so um, it was nice seeing you, and I'm sure I'll see you around." Victor was in disbelief of her coldness towards him, "So that's it? This is what it's come down to?"

"I don't know what you mean?" Nikki said as she waved a hand in the air.

"You don't know what I . . .Nikki" he stepped closer to her, "We've shared too much for you to just hide from me then dismiss me."

"I am not hiding from you" Nikki said defensively. Victor tried to turn the tables on her, "Good, so then you'll have dinner with me?" Nikki laughed, "I don't think that's a good idea."

"No? What's wrong with that? We have a lot of catch up on."

"I have plans" she replied far too quickly. She was losing her edge, in just a few minutes she was coming unglued. Victor was well aware of it and kept pushing, "You can't possibly have plans every night of every week. Nikki, just one dinner, you know between friends?" Nikki gave a snort of laughter, "Friends? I think we've tried that before and failed miserably!"

"I'm not one to give up so easily, are you?" Nikki rolled her eyes in frustration, he was goading her and they both knew it. "One dinner," he continued, "and I'll play nice." His expression softened, "Nikki, I've missed you. I want to hear how you've been, what you've been doing. . .You left so quickly. . ." God, he was killing her, she wanted to tell him to get out, but just as she feared, she couldn't. When she looked up to meet his eyes, she found him with a smug smile on his face. She couldn't help but laugh, she'd seen that look a million times before, "Why do I even try to say no to you? You are like a child when you want something, relentless! One dinner, between friends?"

"Yes, harmless. You have to eat sometime anyway, right?"

Nikki gave a groan, "Okay, okay. When?" Victor smiled in victory, "Tomorrow? I'll pick you up at 7, we'll go to the club." Nikki shook her head, "I'll meet you at the club at 7."

She'd had a lot of bad ideas in the past, she hoped this wasn't one of them. Victoria had told her it was, as she reminded her mother of how hard she'd worked to get out from under Victor's thumb. It was just dinner between friends. Victoria didn't buy that. Maybe she would just call and cancel. It was a woman's right to change her mind. No, she couldn't do that. She and Victor would have to talk sooner or later, might as well be sooner. She struggled with what to wear, she wanted to look good, but she didn't want Victor to think she was dressing up for him. She settled on a chocolate brown pant suit. The blazer had a plunging V neck line and she had a soft pink top underneath. She loosely pulled her curled hair half up, then changed her mind. She pulled it all back into a French twist, that looked more professional. Before she could change her mind again, she got in her car and left.

When Victor saw her walk in, his heart skipped a beat, just like the first time he saw her all those years ago. He stood up as she walked up to him, and they both sat down together. They made small talk as they ordered and ate dinner. She told him about her job and life in Charleston. As they were finishing up, he reached across the table to capture her hand, his fingers gently caressing hers.

"Did I tell you, you look beautiful?" Victor said. Nikki smiled, she was trying to fight the effect his hand on hers was causing. He continued, "You've done it you know? You've done what you've wanted, you made a life for yourself, you're strong, independent, happy. It looks good on you." A simple thank you was all she could manage, her head was spinning, she'd been treading water all night to keep her head afloat, but now she was starting to drown, she had to get herself together. "I'm happy for you" he went on, "I'll always want the best for you."

"Oh? That is when you don't wish me dead" she snapped back and then covered her mouth as Victor released her hand. "Victor, I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. . . I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry" she looked down embarrassed.

"No, no. I'm sorry. Nikki, I'm sorry that I've caused you that kind of pain. I, I said that to you when I was hurting, to hurt you. I did, and I can't take it back, even though I wish I could. Nikki? Look at me". She looked up to meet his eyes, "I am so very sorry, I never meant it then, and I certainly don't mean it now." "I know" she replied. Victor knew she was feeling guilty for her comment and he was going to take full advantage of it, "Um, you know there is a charity ball tomorrow night. . "

"Yes, Victoria mentioned it."

"Well, you know I would love it if you would come with me."

"Victor, I wasn't planning on going."

"Can I convince you to change your mind?" He smiled at her as he went on and teased, "Not a date or anything, just as friends." Nikki laughed out loud and shook her head, "You have no shame you know that?" Victor laughed too as he said, "It's part of my charm."

"Mom, what were you thinking?"

"Oh, Victoria I have no idea, but 'yes' slipped out before I could think, I guess. . .Listen, don't give me a hard time okay? I've got to go to get ready so I'll see you at the party later." Victoria hung up the phone and shook her head. Her mother had been dead set on not seeing Victor, on not going down this road again, and now, here it was, happening again. At least tonight she could keep an eye on her.

Nikki walked into the party to see a room full of faces she knew, and many she did not. Jack spotted her and walked up to her. Nikki saw Victor walk in and was thankful for a distraction, she could tell by his face he was not pleased she was talking with Jack, but then again that was nothing new. Nikki congratulated Ashley and Tucker on their marriage, and the four made small talk until Jack asked her to dance, which Nikki agreed to. It wasn't long until Victor's jealousy took over and he walked up to the two to interrupt. Victoria, Nick, and Kay all noticed the exchange and watched as Nikki and Victor began to dance.

"You look beautiful" he whispered to Nikki.

"Why thank you. I never get tired of hearing that" she replied with a laugh. At first, the dance was seemingly innocent, but something changed. Nikki didn't know if was the music, or the dim lights, but before long Victor had her pushed up close to him. The scent of her perfume and the feel of her in his arms was driving him crazy. He bent down and lightly brushed his lips over her neck. He could feel Nikki stiffen, but he continued. Nikki closed her eyes and gave into the feeling for a moment before she realized they were very much being watched, "Victor, we're in public. . ."

"I don't give a damn" he replied and took her arm and lead her outside. Victoria wanted to follow, but Kay grabbed her arm and stopped her. Outside, Victor began to make the same journey with his lips as he whispered, "I can't pretend to be your friend, Nikki. I don't want to be just your friend. . .I want more"

"Victor. . ." Nikki closed her eyes and tried to regain her composure, "Victor, we can't do this, I, I can't do this. . ."

"Yes you can, this is right. We have always been right together."

"I'm not the same person anymore, Victor. I've changed. . .everything is different now."

"You still feel the same in my arms" he whispered in her ear, his voice hoarse with desire. Nikki wanted to disagree with him, but how could she, it was obvious.

"Victor" she pulled back from him, "I swore I wouldn't even go this far. . . I can't give you anything more."

"I don't believe that, not for a second." Nikki sighed and ran her hands over her face, "Victor, what happens when you have me where you want me? What happens when the newness wears off and we're back to our old tricks and we're hurting each other again? The writings on the wall, don't we already know how it ends?"

"It never did end. You know it. I know it. . .Nikki," Victor pleaded, "I can't walk away from this, from you. . . I still love you." Nikki closed her eyes, she didn't want to hear it. All the walls she'd built to keep him away from her heart were crashing down. She looked at him, what did she want? She wanted him, but not at the expense of herself. Would this inner struggle ever end? Even if she chose, would she ever be happy with her choice? She didn't know what to do. She was a different person, she didn't need Victor the way the once thought she needed him. But she wanted him, there was no doubt of that. And she loved him, still. "Victor. . ." he looked at her with expectant eyes, "I, I, I can only take it one day at a time, okay? Please don't push me."

"I can be patient" he replied. The heaviness of the moment was over as she laughed, "Victor, you are many things, but patient is not one of them."

"You'll give me a chance Nikki?" he looked at her in earnest. Later she would regret it, but she whispered yes.

Had she really said yes? She wondered if she could recant her statement and call temporary insanity. She wanted to scream at herself, lecture herself about what a fool she was. At this point, she didn't even know if that would make a difference. She carefully avoided all of Kay and Victoria's calls so she'd have the day to think it over. She didn't want to trust in Victor, she'd been let down so many times before. It wasn't his fault completely, she was at blame too, but even in saying that, it didn't make it any easier. When it all came down to an end, the truth was, that no matter how many ways she told herself what a mistake she'd made, she always found some way to justify her actions. A means to an end she thought. It was easy to get lost in the moment, that's what happened she convinced herself. She had to stick to that story, maybe if she told herself enough times that's what had happened, she'd believe it. She hadn't heard from him for the whole day but, on the second she received flowers, and on the third, and fourth, and fifth. She wanted to be annoyed by his relentlessness, but, every time she saw the flowers, she smiled. Calling him would have been the safe route, the easy route, just a simple thank you would do. Of course, she couldn't do that.

"I think I'm going to need to rent a new house. I seem to be running out of room" she said, a teasing tone in her voice as she strolled through Victor's office doors. With a smile, he stood up and took his glasses off and walked towards her.

"Victor, you know, it's really not necessary for you. . ."

"Do you smile?" he interrupted, " When you see them?"

Nikki looked at him and smiled, "Yes, I do. You knew that I would. . ."

"Well then, it's worth it."

"Victor, this is all so wonderful. So romantic. . .so like you, but I. . ."

"But you don't trust in it" he finished for her. She struggled for different words but ultimately had to agree with him.

"Victor, I made a choice 5 years ago that I was going to stand on my own two feet, for the first time in my life. I've done it you know, and I don't think I'm ready to go down this road with you again. . . I don't know that I ever will be" she finished with tears in her eyes. It was killing her to say those words to the man she had loved for more than half her life, but she couldn't open herself back up to the hurt. Loving Victor had given her some of the best memories of her life, but it came with too high a price. Victor couldn't accept what she had just said, or rather, he wouldn't. He knew she was putting up walls to protect herself, but how could he tear them down? He was never one to put himself on the line, but this time he feared he had to, it was now or never.

"Nikki, listen to me for a minute", he took his time, thinking about what to say next. "When I first saw you, at Victoria's house. . .You looked so beautiful but different, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but now I know. You've become everything you wanted, you're independent, you've got a job you're excelling in. . .you're happy. And. . ." he began to get choked up, "You've done it all without me. You don't need me to have or to be these things you want, but Nikki. . . I know I've told you I loved you and wanted you, but I don't think I've ever told you just how much I need you." The tears she'd been holding back were now falling as were the walls she'd put up as he continued, "You've given me everything I wanted and everything I never knew I wanted. Love, a family. . .Everything is falling apart without you here. The family is torn apart and. . ." a tear fell from his eye as he finished, "I am just a man no one wants to be around." In that moment she stopped thinking, he had opened his heart up to her and she knew the struggle he fought to do so. She walked up to him and wiped the tear from his check and lightly pressed her lips to his. Without hesitation he wrapped his arms around her and pressed her closer, taking everything. The kiss deepened as passion took over. In their frenzy, files and pictures crashed to the floor, and neither of them noticed Nick walk in the door. Nick, his head in the file he was reading, was also unaware. "Dad, I need you to take a look at this" he said as he looked up. They all met eyes at the same time. Nikki's face flushed red and she quickly ran out of the room, Nick, embarrassed, followed. Victor was left in his office, with a laugh, he started to pick up the mess he and Nikki had made.

Inside her car in the parking garage, Nikki buried her face in her hands. That was certainly not something she wanted her son to see. She was horrified she'd let emotions get the better of her. The strange thing was, the more she thought about the whole situation, the funnier it became. Soon, she was laughing out loud, Oh, Nick wouldn't let her live this down she thought. She wondered if she should talk to him, but decided against it. She called Katherine instead.

Nick could not believe he had just walked into that. What was that about anyway? Hadn't his mother sworn off their father? Hadn't she just spent 5 years getting away from him? He couldn't watch his mother throw everything she'd worked so hard for down the drain. He needed an ally, but who? He could think of one person, but would she help?

Victoria was shocked to see Nick at her door. "Can I come in?" he asked.

"Sure. . .What's up?" she asked confused.

"Mom needs an intervention!"

"What? Oh my God! Is she drinking again?" Victoria asked with extreme concern.

"No, no. An intervention from Dad. I just walked in on them going at it like two love sick teenagers." As they sat on the couch Victoria couldn't help but laugh. "Victoria, it's not funny. This is serious. I can't sit by and watch this whole thing play out again."

"I know. . . I know. You know, do you remember, when we were little, we would do anything to get them back together?"

"Well, you would" Nick said with a laugh, "You weren't even sneaky about it half the time." She laughed as she remembered. "It's crazy how things change, but what can we do? I mean, Nick, she has to make her own choices."

"Yea, but this is a bad one."

"You know, love is love. No one ever thought Billy and I would make it, and it's been 6 years and we are better than ever. I could never tell someone not to love someone just because I think it's a bad choice. . . If I would have listened to everyone, I , I don't know. I can't imagine my life without Billy." Nick looked down in guilt, it was no surprise he was never a fan of Billy.

"You know, mom told me a few weeks ago I needed to give this grudge up, but I just couldn't seem to find a way, but she's right. It's long overdue. You're right, Billy has been nothing but wonderful to you. You're happy, that's the most important thing." Victoria looked at her brother, they didn't need to say the words, it's one of those things that go unspoken between siblings, but they both wrapped their arms around each other for a long overdue hug.

"Katherine! I'm glad you could come over. . .I really needed to talk to you" Nikki said with relief as she hugged Katherine and led her inside.

"Of course darling, what is it?"

"I went to see Victor, about these. . ." she gestured to all the flowers around the house, "Kay, he said the most beautiful things to me, things I needed to hear so long ago. . .I got lost in the moment you know and well, one thing led to another, and Nicholas walked in . . .It's a mess!" Kay couldn't help but chuckle and Nikki raised her eyebrow at her disapprovingly. "What do I do, Kay? I told myself a hundred times I wouldn't go there again. I've come to far to throw it all away!"

"Nikki. . .Nikki" Kay said as she rubbed Nikki's shoulder, "Darling, in the past you've always acted with your heart, and I know it's, uh, gotten you hurt. Now, you're thinking with your head, so, um, it's easy to justify things, rationalize them. It's easy to tell yourself you should run away from Victor, I mean, that makes sense in your head. You can rationalize it's the smart thing to do because of all the hurt in the past, but darling. . . You must understand, the heart wants what the heart wants, and there is no rationalizing that."

"So I just give in to it?" Nikki asked deflated.

"Nikki, have you ever asked yourself what it is you want. I mean what you really want. I don't want the pretty answer, the one that makes sense, the one you think people want to hear, I want to know what you really truly want." Kay looked at Nikki with piercing eyes. She could see in Nikki's eyes the inner struggle. Nikki didn't say anything for a moment, the truth was, she hadn't asked herself that question in a long time, or held herself accountable for the real answer. The reality was, Nikki didn't want to admit to the truthful answer, because what did that make her? Weak? Dependent? Needy? Such ugly words she thought. She knew that Kay wouldn't judge her, she never had and never would, but before she could reply, the doorbell rang. Nikki opened the door to find Victor standing there. Kay grabbed her coat and whispered with good humor in Nikki's ear, "A sign from the God's. . ." and walked out the door.

Nikki felt awkward standing there alone with Victor. The memory of what had happened earlier was still very fresh in her brain. Add to the fact that although she hadn't given Kay her answer, she knew it. She still wanted Victor. Tension was in the air so she tried to lighten the mood, "So, um. . .I'm sure we left quite the impression on Nicholas." A smile crept up on Victor's lips, "I think that's probably safe to say."

"Victor. . ." she trailed off as his lips met hers. There was nothing soft about his kiss, his passion was still blazing from earlier. He took what he wanted and she met him kiss for kiss. They broke apart breathless, Victor whispered, his voice hoarse with desire, "I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop wanting you." She was melting in his arms, he knew just where to touch her to drive her crazy. She lightly nipped his lower lip and whispered, "Then take me."

She led him to her bedroom, both undressing as they walked. Need outweighed romance and they came together fast, both desperate for the other. Afterwards, she laid in his arms trying to regain her breath. He brushed the hair back from her face and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek as his hands stoked up and down the length of her. He turned her so that she faced him, "I've missed you so much" he said as he softly kissed her. She had missed him too. She let a small laugh out and a confused expression crossed his face. "That was. . . I. . . I'm speechless" she giggled and continued, "I feel like we're teenagers." He rolled her over so that she lay beneath him, "I think I can do much better than a teenager" he said as he began kissing her. His lips trailed from her lips to her neck, to her breast, and then back up. "Oh really?" she teased, as she ran her hands over his chest. He captured her hands and circled her wrists with his hand and began the same sweet journey with his lips. He was slow, almost painfully so, as he drove her further and further. She was becoming frantic, she arched up to meet him, but he wanted to watch her climb higher. She was wild in her desire for him and called out in desperation. He took her with such passion as she cried out.

She woke up in Victor's arms as the morning sun softly streamed in, a smile on her face. She looked up to him to find him watching her. "Good morning" she said softly as she reached up to kiss him.

"Good morning my sweetheart." She wanted to savor the moment and not ruin it with words, but she knew they needed to talk. Things had changed and neither could pretend otherwise. "Victor. . .I, wh-. . ."

"Shhh" he interrupted her with a kiss.

"Victor, we need to talk about this. What does this mean? What do you want?"

"Everything" he replied. She laughed, "Oh, I know that", then turned serious, "What do you want from me?"

"Everything Nikki. I want to hold you, and love you. I want you to be my wife, live at the ranch with me. . .you belong there." She knew that it was coming, that he would want that, but she hadn't prepared herself to hear it. She had ruled it out for so long. He could feel her tense up as soon as he'd said what he wanted. She tried to move slightly away, to break the contact of their skin, but he held her close and asked, "What do you want?" He had been honest with her, just now, and yesterday, and she owed that to him. She looked at him with wide eyes, "You. I want you. But, Victor. . . I don't want any promises, I don't want any rings. I'm a different person now. . .I don't want to change my life. I don't want to quit my job. . ." she looked down, "You'll come to hate that you know, you have never liked me working." He smiled in recognition, she was right, he didn't not want her to work.

"Well, we'll have to compromise then huh?" A questioning look crossed her face as she looked back up to him, "You? Compromise? Victor Newman?"

"Shocking huh?" he said with a laugh.

"Okay. . ." she said as she took his hand and in a nervous gesture began running her fingers over his while she continued, "And, uh, how would we go about that?"

"Well, to start, no promises, no rings, but maybe you can come to the ranch? We can see how it goes?"

She smiled and said, "I think I can handle that. I need to tell Victoria and Nicholas though."

"You can tell them later, okay?"

"No, I don't want them to find out after the fact. I need to tell them before, then I can grab a few things and meet you there."

"Nikki, just um, you tell them later okay?" He didn't want to make too big a deal of it, but he was worried.

"Victor, why are you so adamant about this? What's going on?"

"I, I, " he stammered, "They are going to tell you it's a bad idea. They'll try to change your mind." She smiled at his concern, "Victor, I won't change my mind."

More to Come!


	7. Chapter 7

There was something good about this compromise thing, and Victor was going to use it to his advantage, or rather as an insurance policy of sorts. He had done everything but beg Nikki to let him join her when she told Victoria and Nicholas about their plans. He knew if he was with Nikki, their children would not dare utter their true feelings about the situation, but Nikki protested. Rather than get into an argument, Victor suggested since they were already at Nikki's place, they should just simply pack up her things now, and then he could take them to the ranch where she would meet him later, to which she agreed. Victor took solace in the fact that regardless, she would have to come back to the ranch, back to him, even if just for her things.

Nikki decided to go to Victoria's first then stop and see Nicholas on her way to the ranch. As she pulled into Victoria's drive, she was surprised to see Nicholas's car there as well. She was happy that the two were finally spending time together, maybe things would work out after all she thought as she rang the doorbell.

"Mom! Hey,"

"Hey sweetie" Nikki said as she hugged her daughter, as they broke apart she asked, "So, were you going to invite me over to the party?" Inside, sprawled over the living room, were Nicholas, Reed, Summer and Faith. Victoria laughed, "It was kinda impromptu. Nick wanted to talk about a few things, and we just got started and couldn't stop so he had the sitter bring over Summer and Faith, and. . . Well, we had a sleep over." Nikki smiled, "Do you know how happy that makes me? What were you two talking about? Just catching up?"

"You, actually."

"Me?" Nikki asked with a nervous laugh, "Oh," she remembered, "Yesterday. Nicholas got an eye full."

As they walked into the living room Summer, Reed, and Faith all jumped up to greet Nikki with hugs, as Summer explained they had no sleep at all because Reed had told them a very scary story, that Reed swore up and down, wasn't very scary at all. Nicholas was last to follow, and after they all had sat back down she said, "Listen, the other day. . . I'm sorry you saw that, we weren't. . . I wasn't expecting that to happen either, but. . . Um . . .Do you think maybe?" she cleared her throat and gestured to the kids, then the stairs.

"Oh, gotcha, yeah" Nick clued in, "Hey guys, why don't you go on upstairs for a bit."

"Ohhh , grown up talk" Summer said smugly as she led everyone up the stairs. Nick laughed and shook his head at his daughter and said, "Yeah, I wasn't planning on seeing that either."

Nikki took a deep breath, "In light of your current revelation, I think it goes without saying that your father and I have been spending a lot of time together." She paused, then continued, "Listen, there is really no easy way to get to this, so I'm just going to say it. I'm quite certain you won't like it and I'm not asking you to, but I do want your support," she pleaded before she finished, "Your father and I have decided to . . . Move in with each other." She looked at their faces, she saw shock. Quickly she added, "You know, just take it slow, . . . Nothing serious."

"Jesus," Nick groaned, as Victoria looked down.

Nikki was baffled by the silence that followed, "Come on. . . Really?"

"Are you sure?" Victoria asked her mother with concern.

Nothing serious?" Nick asked, "Mom, living together is serious." Nick was not taking the news well and was becoming agitated.

"Nicholas, your father and I are hardly strangers . . " she was cut off as Nick continued, his voice rising, "All the more reason to stay away from it! You've spent all this time getting out from under his control, why would you go back now?" and he stormed out of the room. Nikki sank back deeper into the sofa. Victoria could tell her mother was trying her best not to cry, and so she moved over closer to her.

"I thought you would take this worse than your brother,' Nikki tried to joke.

"Mom, we know Dad is the reason you left, we just want you to be happy, and you are now. . . Without him."

"What?" Nikki asked as she shook her head in confusion and continued, "The reason I left?"

"Mom, we know what happened. The truth about Deacon came out, then you were drinking again, and Dad told you off again, couldn't deny himself of the "I told you so" speech he loves. . . We confronted him on it. He didn't deny it."

"Oh my God. . ." Nikki trailed off as she struggled to find the words and the courage to say them.

"Victoria, that isn't what happened at all." Nikki ran her hands over her face, closed her eyes and then opened them to meet her daughters. "Before I left, your father and I. . . we got back together, sort of. . . I stayed the night. The next morning Deacon came over, probably trying to explain to me the truth before someone else did, but then Kay came over and beat him to it. I was devastated at the news. . .then I was mad. I was so angry with myself for being so gullible, I mean you all tried to warn me about Deacon, and I refused to listen. I made another bad choice and then went ahead and made another and went home and tried to forget it all with a bottle of vodka. Victoria, your father found me in my house beyond drunk. He took me to the ranch, let me sober up, tried to help me. . .I wouldn't let him. I was still so angry with myself. . .I mean, why did I keep doing this?"

Nikki paused and reached for a glass of water, drank, and continued, "I don't know if this will even make sense to you. . .maybe I was still drunk I don't know, but when I got back home, I saw this lamp that I had broken in my little stupor. I don't know, somehow it resonated with me, like that was my life. It was so beautiful, and then in a moment of carelessness, it's broken into a hundred pieces. The pieces may still be beautiful, but the edges are sharp and painful to touch." Nikki sighed, and looked down into her hands. "Someone had to clean them up. . .I had to clean it up, the lamp, my life. . .everything. I couldn't wait for someone else to do it, to save me from myself. . .from this vicious cycle I keep repeating."

"After two weeks away, I was starting to loose my resolve. . .but then I saw him. Your father. He was sitting on a rocking chair on my front porch, of course he didn't see me. . .I was out walking. . .I spotted him a few houses away. Victoria, when I saw him, I knew I loved him, I always would. It reminded me of how important it was for me to do this for myself. To find something that could give me confidence, happiness. . . Your father has always been so supportive of you to become something, to do something with your life, but never with me. . .I became so dependent upon him, I couldn't function without him, and if I was without him, I'd turn to the bottle or. . .another man."

Victoria looked at her mother, tears running down her face. She couldn't recall a time her mother had ever been so honest about herself. She knew the struggle she had overcome. Nikki broke the silence, "I don't suppose this changes your mind about things, I'm not expecting that. . .I just thought you should know." She turned to leave but Victoria stopped her. "Mom. You are always telling Nick and I how proud you are of us, but uh, I think maybe now we should reverse the role. I am so proud of you, for what you've done. I only wish you would have told me sooner. You are the only person who has supported me, listened to me, trusted me, fought for me unconditionally and without strings because you love me that much." Victoria paused as her own words sank in, "Mom, I love you that much." Tears were running freely down Nikki's face as she pulled her daughter into an embrace, "You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you."

Victoria closed the front door behind her mother as she left, and turned around to find Nick sneaking back in from the kitchen. She glared at her brother, "You're such an ass Nick! If you would have stayed here and not stormed off like some 5 year old child you would have heard. . ."

"I heard" he interrupted, "I was behind the kitchen door the whole time." They both sank onto the couch. "Nick, you really owe Mom an apology."

"I know. And you know what's worse?"

"What?" Victoria asked with questioning eyes.

"We owe Dad one too." They both groaned at the truthfulness of it.

Nikki drove to the ranch feeling light as a feather. It was as if a large part of the baggage she carried had been unpacked, dropped off. . .gone. She had told her daughter things a mother would never wish to tell her child, but she had too. Victoria deserved to know, and she could handle it. It wasn't as if it came as any true surprise, Victoria had seen most of it with her own eyes.

Victor paced around nervously anticipating Nikki's arrival. He glanced down at his watch and noticed three hours had passed. It was taking far too long for anything good to come. He jumped at the turn of the door. Nikki entered the house nonchalant. She took her time taking off her coat, hung it up, then strolled into the living room enjoying the torture she was inflicting upon Victor before she finally spoke, "Are my things unpacked?"

"Yes, they are upstairs. . .Nikki?" She turned to him with an infuriating smile, "Yes?"

"For God's sake, what happened?" She gave a laugh of satisfaction and said, "It went better than expected. . .well sans Nicholas storming out of the room" she finished with remorse in her voice. Victor was shocked, "Nick?"

"I know right? You would have thought Victoria. . ." she trailed off, lost in a moment of thought. "Victor," she said as she came back, "I. . .sit down with me?" she asked and he obliged. A look of concern crossed his face as she said, "Victoria told me something, she said that she and Nicholas blame you. That you're the reason I left." Victor looked down and she went on, "Don't deny it!" He looked at her, eyes torn, "What could I say? What did I have to defend accusations with? You left. . No word, nothing! They already hated me, so I gave them another reason." Nikki's heart broke.

"Victor, I. . ."

"Why did you leave like that? Do you know I went after you, to Charles. . ." he cut himself off not wanting to reveal that bit of information. Nikki hung her head and whispered, "I know."

"You know!" his voice raged.

"I saw you. . . At my door only I. . ."

"You saw me and you said nothing? We made love, we were back. . .and you say nothing!" his voice booming as he stood up.

"Victor" she pleaded as she reached for the lapels of his jacket to pull him back down to her, "Let me finish, please?" Her hands loosened as he sat back down, "Victor, I love you. . .so much it frightens me. I need you like I need air, like a damn drink. That's what I do. If I can't have you, I drink, or find someone else. I depend on you for everything and when you get bored or you get busy, I get lost. I don't know what to do! Can't you see that? It's not healthy. . .it's not normal" she finished with a shake of her head.

"Victor," she continued, "You have such passion and ambition for Newman, and such power from it. . .I used to think, if I could only get you away from that damn company. . .But I realize that I love all those things about you. I don't want that to change." Not without a struggle she went on, "Victor, I need that. It's not something anyone else but myself can give me. I need to know at the end of the day, I have something that I can feel a sense of accomplishment about. . .something that I can feel confident about. . .a feeling that isn't derived from a person or a bottle." Understanding hit him, as he said,

"And that would be a job, a career," his had reached for her face, running a soft finger down her jaw to her chin.

"Victor, I can't live without you, I know this" she paused and gave a melancholy laugh, "but we can't seem to live with each other. I'm taking part of the blame, I'm trying to make myself better so that this time. . .we can make it last." He looked into those familiar blue eyes, the eyes he loved so much, and said "I can't live without you either. " He softly kissed her lips. "Victor?" she whispered, "Lets go to bed."

"It's not even seven. I may be getting older, but that's too early to go to sleep, even for me."

"Who said anything about sleeping," she murmured and walked towards the stairs.


	8. Chapter 8

Nikki woke up to a room drenched in gold and familiar arms around her. A lazy smile crept to her face as she thought what a perfect way to wake up. Slowly she turned her body so that it faced Victor's, and whispered kisses from his lips to his ear where she softly said, "Good morning." The arms around her tightened and Victor's eyes opened. He smiled up at her and said, "This is the perfect thing to wake up to."

"I thought maybe coffee" Nikki teased. A giggle escaped her lips as he swiftly rolled her underneath. "Coffee?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Better than this. . ." he said as he trailed light kisses over her neck. She purred in satisfaction.

"Well, I'll get that coffee" Victor said as he quickly left the bed. He looked at her in tangled sheets looking completely confused and smiled.

Twenty minutes later, dressed, she came into the living room taking the cup of coffee Victor handed her. "Well, that was very clever of you" she said smartly with one eyebrow raised.

"You liked that huh?" he said with mischief in his eyes. She rolled her eyes as she sipped from her cup. With Victor's eyes still gleaming he said, "I just wanted to make a little point. My perfect way of waking up is far better than yours." She sat her cup down and walked to him, his arms circling her, "Touché."

She left his arms to answer her phone, and squealed with delight as she read the caller ID. She hurried off into the office leaving Victor intrigued. He hadn't ever heard her react to a phone call that way. He followed behind her and listened at the door. "It's been so long!" Pause. "Cheese? Where do you think I live? A dairy farm?" Longer pause. "And I know how excited that makes you" she purred. Pause. "Saturday? As in tomorrow?" "I don't think it will be a problem. Send me the flight info. Can't wait to see you. Love ya."

Nikki hurried to click over to her call waiting. "Yes?" she said into the phone.

"Well, we got good news! 3 month check up, ultrasound, the whole nine yards, aced it!" Billy's elated voice rang out.

"Oh, do you know how happy that makes me! We'll have to celebrate."

"Vick is sending out invitations today" he paused, "So Vikki and I wondered if you've said anything to Victor about this."

"No, I haven't said a word about it to Victor."

"Well, we thought maybe you should. . .soften the blow for us so to speak."

She laughed. "It hasn't been the right time yet, but maybe after this weekend I'll see."

"Sweet. I'll let you go."

"Send my love."

Victor hurried back into the living room as she ended the call. What the hell was going on?"

She entered back into the room with a faint flush on her cheeks. "Victor, that was a client on the phone, he wants me to meet two new designers and get them to sign with us. . .tomorrow. I told him it wouldn't be a problem. . ." she trailed off. "That's okay right? Are you okay?" she added as she noticed his somber expression.

"Oh, I'm fine. Yes, that should be fine" he mumbled. She gave it no other thought and went upstairs to pack.

Nikki had been gone for over two hours and Victor could think of nothing else. He tried make sense of the phone call he overheard but it just didn't add up. You don't tell a client you love them. . . And what business did she do that she had to keep something a secret from him? We wanted to believe it was nothing, but his suspicious and jealousy were getting the better of him. He was glad for a distraction when the doorbell rang.

"Dad. Hey." Victor was shocked to see Victoria and Nicholas at his door.

"Come in" he said and moved his arm in a welcoming gesture towards the living room. "I must admit I'm surprised to see you both here." They each found a place to sit and awkward silence prevailed. Victoria finally broke it, "So, Mom. . .she came to see us yesterday. She said some things that made us realize we were wrong." She quickly added, "About you and her. " Victor looked on as Nicholas finished, "We're sorry we blamed you for mom leaving." Victor was shocked even further by their admission and mumbled, " I would never intentionally try to hurt your mother."

"We know that Dad" Nick replied and asked, "Where is Mom? I need to talk to her. I upset her the other day. . .I need to tell her I'm sorry."

"She's not here. Left a few hours ago, something about a business deal. . .It just doesn't add up though" he confided.

"What do you mean?" Victoria asked.

"Well, I just over heard a bit of her phone call and I. . .she said I love you when she hung up." Victoria looked at her father, was he jealous? Oh hell yes he was. Her face contorted as she tried to recall who it might be. "Did she say where she was going?"

"Yes, back to Charleston." A light bulb went off in Victoria's head, it was Jackson. That's who her mother was rushing off to see. She laughed to herself, she'd heard plenty about Jackson. "Dad, trust me, you have nothing to worry about."

Victor didn't want to worry. He didn't want to be driven by this obsession to figure out who Nikki was seeing, but he was. He knew he should just let it be, but he couldn't. He knew he shouldn't make this phone call, but he did.

"Yes, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to go to Charleston and check up on something for me. . ."

The next day Nikki stepped out of the cab into the warmth of the Charleston sun. It felt good to be back. She was meeting Jackson for lunch, then the fashion show, then in the evening, the "party". It was a full day of events and she loved it. They would see the fashion show, see if they truly wanted to get these designers in Jackson's stores, then wine and dine them at an after party and make a deal. She scanned the patio of the restaurant and her eyes fell upon a 6 foot tall man, perfectly built, immaculately dressed, and completely beautiful. He strode towards her and picked her up off her feet in an embrace. "Did I ever tell you that you are just my type?" she gushed.

"Yes" he flashed his perfect smile, "And if women were my thing, Lord knows you'd be my mine!" he said with a laugh as he put her back on the ground. "I've got lunch waiting for us" and he lead her to the table.

"Look at you in that Channel suit" he said from across the table.

"Well, I wore it just for you. I know how you love Channel."

"Girl please! You wore that to torchure me cause we both know I will never look as good in it as you do!"

She laughed and said, "I've missed you."

"Well, you don't look like it! You look good. . .real good. The look of love. You back with that old man of yours?"

She blushed and laughed again as she said yes.

"No wonder I haven't heard from you then."

"Like you are one to talk! How is Lucas?"

"Long gone! Now I've got Jose, my Latin lover."

"Oh God!" she said as she rolled her eyes, "You have more boyfriends than anyone I know!"

"Don't hate just because you are all hung up on some crusty old man!" Their playful banter continued as she said, "He isn't crusty. Jackson? Are you wearing eyeliner?" He looked down sheepishly, "Why do you have to say that?" he said with mock sadness in his voice, he looked back up at her and smiled, "When you know I am!" She let out a roar of laughter.

Through the lens of a camera, a man saw it all.

"Good huh?" Jackson asked as they left the fashion show.

"Excellent. You've always had good taste."

"You know it! So now, we go in for the kill. I want them in my store!"

They entered the party arm in arm. They made the rounds, did the small talk, complimented the hell out of random strangers and especially the designers they sought. After two hours of ass kissing, it was done.

"Sweet relief" Jackson said to Nikki, "Now lets show 'em how it's done" and he lead her to the dance floor.

"Victor?" Nikki called as she opened the door to the ranch. Surely he knew she was here. He knew when she would be back, and if nothing else the guardhouse should have alerted him. She found him in his office, typical. "Victor" she said to his back.

"How was your trip?" he asked coldly.

"Mission accomplished" she replied with triumph.

"Good" he said as he faced her, eyes already blazing. A wave of confusion swept over Nikki.

"And you said you were seeing a client?" he asked in a sharp tone.

"Yes, to sign on two designers for his store, which we did. Victor, is something wrong?"

"Why don't you tell me?" he snapped.

"I, for the life of me, have no idea what you are talking about."

"No idea?" he shot back and slammed a file on the table. "Take a look" he demanded.

She opened the folder to see a photo of her in Charleston. She shook her head as the revelation took shape in her head.

"You had me followed?" her voice shrieked in anger, "How could you? Why would you?" He met her livid gaze with his own.

"Keep looking sweetheart. You'll see I had every reason in the world. What I want to know is how in the hell you can look me in the eye and tell me you love me and then let another man put his hands all over you!" he raged. She flipped through the photos and her eyes lingered over one of her and Jackson on the dance floor, his hands a bit lower than professional. The rage all seemed to dissipate. She choked back a laugh, but then it took control. It came on slow, but then tears were streaming down her face, laughing uncontrollably.

"You think this is funny?" he yelled. She tried to regain her composure, but the very thought of Victor being jealous of Jackson sent her right over the edge again. Victor looked at her in distaste, but she wiped the look off his face when she said, "Jackson? Jackson? Victor, he has no interest in me. He's gay for Christ sake!"

He heard her laughing to someone. She was coming down the stairs, laughing. Two hours had passed, he wasn't laughing. She hung up the phone and sat next to him on the couch and teased, "That was Jackson. He said to tell you I have a very lovely ass."

"You still think this is funny?" Victor asked defensively.

"You had better be glad I find this funny. I've spent the last two hours deciding if I want to kill you or not." She moved in closer to him, "Now, I think maybe there is something you wanted to say to me?"

He looked at her expectant eyes and paused before saying, " I should never have done that." She put her head on his shoulder and murmured "No, you shouldn't have."

"I should have trusted you."

"Yes, you should have."

He paused, thinking he was done.

"Go on Victor" she said mockingly. He took a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry."

She looked at him with smiling eyes, "I haven't seen you so green with jealousy in a long time. It's kind of attractive."

"Is it?" his voice warming.

"Yes. But it's not my favorite color on you" she replied as she undid the first button on his shirt. "I think I like something more natural." She unbuttoned the next, "Beige." She unbuttoned the third, "Tan. . .Nude" she said as she undid the fourth button and let her lips skim over the flesh she had revealed.

"Victor, there is something I have been keeping from you" she said softly as she trailed her lips up to his. "It wasn't my secret to share, but I've been given permission to now." He pulled back from her a few inches and waited for her to continue. "Before I tell you, I need you to promise me you won't go crazy and get upset."

"Nikki how can I promise that when I don't even know what this is about?"

"Victor, just promise me. You've done a very bad thing and I think this should serve as a punishment of sorts. . ."

"Punishment?" his eyes gleamed, "I think I could suggest other ways."

With half a laugh she said, "I'm sure you could. But this is it, so promise.""I won't. But perhaps I'll listen to words of reason." She groaned, "Fine, but then this doesn't count as punishment." He smiled at the thought of it. "Get your head out of the gutter" she scolded playfully.

"Alright, alright. So out with it. What's this secret?"

"It's Victoria and Billy. . ."she paused as she tried to read his face, "They're expecting."

"Expecting. . .what? Divorce papers I hope." She rolled her eyes, "A baby Victor! They are expecting a baby!" her voice rising to a serious tone. He stood up his anger propelling him across the room, "Another tie to bind them!"

"Good God Victor! What is it going to take for you to understand that Billy isn't going anywhere? And, that he makes our daughter happy."

"A miracle!"

"He has been nothing but wonderful to Victoria."

"He has been nothing but a gambler and a drunk!" Victor countered. Nikki walked up to him in a fury, "I'm a drunk! Am I not good enough for you?" She turned away but found her wrist in his grasp. When she turned back to him his eyes had softened, "You, are too good for me, Nikki." Her voice softened as well, "Then you need to realize that Billy is good for Victoria. You need to use this to your advantage, to help bridge the gap between the two of you. She wants your support." She turned from him and said as she began to climb the stairs, "I'll be waiting for you."


	9. Chapter 9

** Thank you for all your kind comments about this fanfic! It surprises and delights me that after all this time people are still reading this story! I admit, I let it fall away when Niktor got back together and now that it seems they are potentially on the skid, I find my motivation. For the viewer that asked if I am Or Levy, not hardly, although I have read her stories and love them, I wish she would continue! Anyway, let's get this story going, although you must go back in time as so much as changed….**

Chapter 9

From the corner of his eye, he had been watching them for over an hour. It was with a strange and sick sort of fascination. He wanted to look away, to ignore what was going on behind him, but try as he might, he couldn't. What was Nikki doing with Victor? He knew he shouldn't care, but he did. Nikki had been a friend, a lover, hell, even a wife to him and he was so pleased she had returned to Genoa City with her life in a good place. A place where she was finally happy. A place where she existed outside of being thee Mrs. Victor Newman. Victor would ruin her. He always did. Part of him wanted to forget it, she was a grown woman and she knew exactly what she was signing herself up for. Victor would never change and she had to know that. Oh, Victor would charm her and convince her that he would, but deep down Nikki had to know it was all a load of bull. The other part of him thought, what if she doesn't know better? What if she falls for his charm hook-line-and-sinker for the billionth time? If he took into account statistics, she would fall. She always went back to him. Jack nursed his drink from the bar and watched them through their appetizer round, and then their salad, torturing himself over what was really going on. Then, in a moment of clarity, he tossed back the rest of his glass. He knew exactly what was going on. This wasn't some friendly dinner. Victor and Nikki would never be just friends. He recalled the way they were around each other at the charity ball and he knew he was right, something serious was happening between the two of them and he had to do whatever he could to stop it. Nikki had tried to save herself and he'd be damned if he'd let Victor ruin it for her. He ordered another drink and waited for the right time.

"Is anything the matter?" Nikki asked Victor. He had been very attentive to her but unusually quite.

"No, my sweetheart, everything is perfect. How could it not be? I'm here with you," he replied with a smile.

"Mmm Mmm. But, I don't believe you. I may have been away for a few years, but I know you well enough to know when you're acting strangely. Is it Jackson? Are you still upset about that? Because you know, if anyone should be upset about that, it's me".

Victor was thinking about Victoria and the news that she was going to have a baby with that slime ball Billy Abbott. He knew it was going to be a touchy subject with Nikki, so rather than admit it, he indulged in her line of conversation, "Baby, I am not upset about Jackson. Embarrassed? Yes. I should never have had you followed".

A smile crept upon her face at his admission. "I'm glad" she gloated.

"That I had you followed? I thought you were furious" he asked in confusion.

"I'm glad you feel embarrassed" she corrected.

"Remarkable. The woman I love is relishing in my embarrassment" he teased.

Nikki grew serious, "Victor, I know I had my reservations about us, but I would never try to ruin this. What we have right now, I cherish it".

"I just wish you would have told me who you were seeing when you went to Charleston. Who he was".

"I should have, I know this now. I was just so excited to hear from him…I got lost in the excitement and hurried off to see him. I…I never thought anything of it".

"Your voice, when you were on the phone with him…I haven't heard that tone before," his eyes narrowing.

Nikki looked down and gave an audible sigh, then looked up to meet Victor's eyes, "Jackson is more than just a client, he is one of my dearest friends. He gave me my first real break into this whole retail world. I remember we met at a fashion show and something just clicked".

"You know, this isn't making me feel any better" he replied glumly.

"Darling, I don't want you to feel badly about this. Or jealous! Jackson was my first friend when I moved out to Charleston, and then became my life line," a smile took over her face as she finished, "But I think he just liked me for my clothes".

"Your clothes?" Victor asked not getting the joke.

"Well, you know, you gave me quite the wardrobe darling. Chanel this, Versace that. And my Louboutins…he knew".

"He knew what?".

"That I wasn't who I said I was".

"And who was it that you said you were?" he asked intrigued.

"Just a woman trying to find her way into the industry. I knew he didn't believe me, but even so he began to go out of his way to help me. He introduced me to all the right people, invited me to all the right places, and…this friendship just happened".

"And eventually you told him who you really were?".

"I didn't have to. It's hard to keep secrets when Google exists and you were married to Victor Newman. He put two and two together pretty quickly".

"He was probably trying to use that to his advantage" Victor replied with concern.

Nikki shook her head furiously, "No! In his business world, Jackson is just as successful as you are. He doesn't need to take on some rich pet project to advance himself. He owns a chain of department stores and has his hand in several other businesses. He had nothing to gain by taking me under his wing. We just clicked. I, I, can't explain it…He was just instrumental in helping me find my way and my success when I found it".

"Well he did succeed, in taking you away from us" Victor replied sourly.

She was crushed by this admission, "Victor, he didn't take me away from you. He helped me find a way to be content with myself. To find something that gave me purpose outside of being your wife or a mother. I so desperately needed that, and I couldn't seem to find the way by alone. Can't you see that he helped me find my way back to you?".

"I could have helped you" he said fiercely.

Inside her mind, thoughts swirled. Victor could never have helped her the way she needed to be helped. How did she soften the blow to tell him that he was part of the problem? If she wasn't addicted to vodka, it was Victor. Wash, rinse, repeat. But this was not the right time. Instead she offered, "Victor…I don't know if we should continue this here in public especially when you said you weren't upset about this, and clearly you are".

"I'm not upset. I just want to know who this man is. He has a part of your life I know nothing about, and yes, I feel a certain sort of resentment about that. I can't help it. I am not used to you keeping these kinds of secrets from me".

"I'm not trying to keep secrets from you, Victor. I'm willing to tell you everything and anything you want to know", her plea was cut short when his cell phone rang. He glanced down at it, then back up again at her. With a frown, he excused himself . Nikki knew that he would, he would always choose that damned phone call. Normally she would allow herself to get angry about it, but this time she was relieved. She needed a few minutes to recompose herself. They were having the most honest conversation they had had in years, it was exhausting.

It wasn't exhausting that they were talking. Good God, she'd wanted that for as long as she'd known him. She had wanted them to communicate openly and honestly. What was exhausting was trying to explain her actions in a way that would allow him to understand her better without alienating him. She harbored guilt for leaving him, especially when he had tried so hard to help her get better. The problem was, the alcohol was only part of the problem while he remained the root of it. He allowed her to gloss over everything. With a word or a touch, he could erase her memory, however temporarily, and make everything seem simple and beautiful. Victor wanted to raise his hand and wave over her some kind of inherent happiness that came with being Mrs. Victor Newman, but would he ever understand that she needed something more? Something that came separate from what he could give?

Jack watched as Victor left the table and decided to make his move and made his way over to Nikki. His concern for her weighted heavily on him. He was angry that she had allowed Victor back into her life, but he knew he could not come across that way. He knew Nikki well enough to know that when it came to Victor, she would always defend him. She would always be loyal to Victor Newman. As much as he wanted to scream and yell for her to get away from Victor, he knew that would only work against him. He needed to keep his cool.

"Hey Nikki!" he said with his usual charming smile.

"Well, hello, Jack! What a nice surprise!" she returned from her inner thoughts.

"Out to dinner with the 'Mustache'?".

She raised an eyebrow at him and smiled, "I gather you're not impressed?".

His face, an open book, betrayed him and twisted into several exaggerated expressions hinting to what he wanted to say, but he refrained from a verbal declaration. Keeping cool was proving difficult.

His silence spurred her on, "Oh come on now, Jack. Clearly there is something you want to say, so just say it!".

He smiled sheepishly, "Nik, I don't want to meddle, I just. . .Well, I'm concerned is all".

"Concerned about what? That I'm having dinner with Victor?".

"Well, yes. And the way you two were at the charity ball. I think we all saw that go down. I know he comes in on his white horse and sweeps you away, but I feel like …"

"Jack" she interrupted, but he continued in rapid succession, "When you came back into town, I'd never seen you so happy. You were positively glowing from the inside. I want you to keep that glow. I've seen this all happen with Victor before, Hell, I've lived through half of it, he will break your heart. You can still walk away from it".

"Jack, you make it sound like I'm being forced into this" she said in shock.

"Doesn't it seem that way? You were without him for years and the minute you come back, you are right back with him again".

She knew she could never make him understand but she tried anyhow, "Jack, I am here on my own free will. I admit, things have progressed a bit faster with Victor than I envisioned, but that's the way it is with him. It's all in or all out…."

"All in or all out? What do you mean things have progressed?" he interjected.

"What do you think it means, Jack?" she replied shortly.

He rubbed his hand over his face in frustration, not wanting to register what she had said, "I just don't want to see you get hurt. He will hurt you, Nikki".

"Why is it that it's always his fault, Jack? Haven't I hurt him plenty in the past? Can't you see that as well, or is your hatred for him so strong that you're blind to that?".

"It's completely different, Nikki!".

"No. Not at all, it's not any different".

"Ahem", Victor cleared his throat as he loomed over Jack's shoulder, "Jack, I presume you were just leaving?".

Jack's blood was running hot and he had worked himself up far more than he had wanted too, the sight of Victor sent him over the edge, "And what if I'm not?" he replied hotly.

"Then I would suggest you do" Victor countered shortly.

"And if I don't?".

"Then I suspect things will get difficult for you, Jack".

"Will you two please stop this! Every single time, you both never disappoint. You're like little children on the playground, fighting and bullying each other!" Nikki interrupted as she stood up from her chair.

Unlike Victor, Jack knew when to quit, and he approached Nikki and calmly whispered to her, "You are one of my closest friends. I am concerned for you and I felt like I needed to say something. I'm sorry to have upset you, that was never my intention".

Nikki released a sigh and relaxed, "I know you didn't Jack, but this is the one thing you and I will never be able to agree on".

"Off limits, I get it. It's probably for the best, huh?".

"I think so. But, please know, I know what I'm doing and I am here with Victor because I want to be, because I have to be. He is where my heart is, where it's always been, and deep down I think you know that" she whispered back. As Jack left she looked up to meet Victor's eyes and could tell that while she may have temporarily smoothed things out with Jack, Victor was still fuming.

To a stranger, Victor could be hard to read. You could easily think he was calm and collected, while inside a storm was raging. He could give you a dashing smile and be planning to ruin you all in the same instance. He could look an enemy in the face and reassure them everything was fine fully knowing that he would crush them the next day. Victor Newman's poker face was one of his best defenses, but Nikki knew that better than anyone. She knew how to read his moods, and while he said he wanted to finish out their evening, she knew he would only become more and more angry about the things he had overheard Jack say to her. She knew she had to remove them from the place where his anger was instigated, and, it wasn't all that hard to convince him when she promised to make their evening even more memorable when they got home.

"Thank you for a wonderful evening," she said as Victor closed the door to the  
house behind them.

"It would have been better if that damn Jack Ass Abbott wouldn't have been there,'' he answered with a fury as he turned around to face her.

Nikki walked up to him slowly and as she met him, pressed herself up against his body and whispered in his ear, "Now darling, I told you I would make everything better".

He smiled, his demeanor softening, "You did say that".

"Hmm Hmm, and I intend to make good on that," she said as her lips trailed softly from his ear to his lips.

His arms wrapped around her, pulling her even closer to himself than she already was.

She melted against him, "I love you," she purred as their lips met again.

He held her mouth captive as he lead her up the stairs.

Meanwhile, across town, Victoria had just finished putting the last stamp on the invitations for her announcement party, soon, everyone would know that she and Billy were expecting.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

How can something so beautiful make me feel such ugly thoughts? I turn Victoria's invitation over in my hands, pastel and delicate, it mocks the darkness I feel inside. I know she knows I would never take kindly to this. It was addressed to 'Mr. and Ms. Newman', but I know it was meant just for her mother. The 'Ms.' has also stricken a nerve. Her mother should be my wife, should be 'Mrs. Newman' not this ridiculous 'Ms.'. My daughter is worth so much more than anything Billy Abbott could ever giver her. This announcement, this invitation, while it's the promise of a new life, it's nothing but a death sentence for Victoria. This child will only further cement the relationship she has with this degenerate Billy Abbott. I would need to be chloroformed before this pregnancy is okay with me.

I come down the stairs and already I can see he is upset. He is turning over and again some piece of paper in his hands. It's not work, I can readily see this, if it were work he would have crushed it into a ball and set fire to it. No, this is something else entirely. I approach slowly, "What is this that has you so captivated?" I try my damndest to add some jest to the question. If my tone is playful, surely this won't end badly? His eyes meet mine and I can see that that hope is going to be very short lived. His eyes are dangerous, and so on eggshells, I inquire, because if I don't, this will fester into something bigger than it needs to be. He hands me the card that has him so perplexed, with one look, I want to disappear. Oh, Houdini, I need your help right now! Help me get out of this unscathed! I turn it over and see that both of our names are addressed, mine however being a 'Ms.', I know Victoria did this to include her father, despite his 'best interests' (or all those lacking), she still wants him in her life, but I can't help think, would it have been better if this were addressed just to me? I could have brought it up to him gently. I mean, I can bring a guest, right? Her father….? But then, would he be furious if he wasn't included to begin with? It's just a battle I fear no one can win. I feel overwhelmed. I am so happy for my daughter, this pregnancy is something she has wanted for so long. I know Victor could never feel that way. I am torn between the emotions of two of people I love so much. My head begins to feel strange and I blink my eyes to try to clear the fog that has set in over them.

I can see the wheels turning in her head. She doesn't know what to say or what to do. I have to admire her control, but her face is betraying her. But, as quickly as I thought I knew what she was feeling, suddenly I can't read her. Her smile has faded. I wonder briefly if something is wrong. I know she wants to squeal and carry on like women do about these things, but at the same time, she knows I will not reciprocate. Is that the reason for her face to suddenly blanch? She knows how I feel about this, that I'll be damned if that Billy Boy Abbott will further ruin my daughters life! I wasn't pleased to hear of this pregnancy to begin with, another tie to bind my daughter to this degenerate. I'll be damned if I'm going to party to celebrate it!

He asks me point blank if I am going to the party. I know he knows the answer even before I can give one to him. "Of course I'm going! It's our daughter, our grandchild!". Oh God. Here it comes. The wrath of Victor Newman. I see his face redden at my response. What did he expect me to say? Wait for it….wait for it…. The explosion is coming. Is this what it must always be? To feel such an electricity for one man, so intense, that everything always has to burn? I love him so much, but I want to scream at him! I don't understand his hatred for Billy. He makes our daughter happy, that should be enough. I know he knows this. But God help him, even when he's wrong, he still thinks he's right. Suddenly, I feel I'm too bruised to fight. This fog I have been fighting seems to be taking over.

I can see her face rise then fall. Like, she knew what she was going to say to me, to calm me down, or to tell me I'm being a fool, because that is what she always does. But, something has missed. Now, I don't know what is happening because it's all coming too fast. I see her eyes roll back as my name leaves her lips, she is falling, literally falling, and it seems I can't get to her fast enough. I thank God the couch is behind her because I don't get to her fast enough. She is down. She is out. I feel a panic for which I cannot express. I call to her, I say her name over and again. I am helpless. I call for the paramedics, I call 911. They assure me they will be there soon. Soon isn't good enough when the woman I love more than anything is in jeopardy.

My eyes flutter open. I feel like I've drank too much. There is a heaviness in my head that reminds me of a hangover. Everything is so fuzzy. For one fleeting moment, I meet his gaze. Victor. I see him, he is there. I try to muter that everything is okay but my eyes fall shut again and the words are lost on my lips.

I see her there. Helpless, and it's killing me. Can she hear me? I keep calling to her, and now finally after twenty minutes the paramedics arrive. Her eyes meet mine for just a moment, and I feel like I can finally take a breath. If I could force her eyes open I would have done so from the onset, but I can't, and just as quickly as they open, they close. I want to make everything better. I want her to come back to me. I want her to scream and yell at me, that I'm being an ass. That I need to give our daughter love and support. I need her. I need this woman. This connection we have, I can never explain. If she would just open those blue eyes one more time, that would be enough. Who am I kidding? It would never be enough. . .I could never tire of seeing her eyes, the way they look at me when she is furious with me; when she loves me….I don't deserve it, but I want her eyes, her love, I want it all. And, right now, when I feel she is slipping away from me I am reminded of how much I love this woman. I need answers. It's not like her to just faint. Has she been ill all this time and I just hadn't noticed?

I awake in a sterile, drab room. I hear the steady beep of the monitors that are hooked up to Surely this is a bit dramatic. I fainted, it's not a big deal. Had I been able to say this earlier I would be home, not in this awful hospital room. Victor is beside me. I can see the relief flood over his face as I meet his eyes, and it makes me feel guilty for worrying him. He calls me 'Baby' and I feel this warmth cover me. I can never tire of it. It makes my heart flutter every time. He leans down to softly kiss my forehead, like I'm breakable. I want to go home and I tell him this. "Baby, you fainted. You are staying here," his voice is so soft. See, he's cheating, he's playing dirty. He called me 'Baby' again, it's not fair what it does to me. "Well, what does the Dr. say?" I ask, resolved to my fate.

"That they want to keep you here overnight to make sure nothing serious is going on."

"It's nothing serious, Victor," I scoff.

"Well, we are going to leave that to the medical professionals, okay?"

I don't want to argue about it. Truth be told, I don't think I could if I wanted to. I still feel completely out of sorts.

The 'doctors' haven't told me a Goddamned thing I didn't already know before. What the hell good is their degree if they can't tell me what is wrong with my wife! Nikki, I mean. I know she told me she doesn't want to be my wife, but damn it, what the hell am I supposed to call her, my girlfriend? Ridiculous! I am trying my best to be patient with the doctors, I know they are doing their best, but this is frustrating. If they give me one more line of bull like 'maybe she is just dehydrated', or 'maybe she didn't eat today', I'll throw one of them through the damned wall! I know damned well she ate today because I was there with her! I try to take a deep breath. All of the basic tests are coming back normal, and I should find solace in this, but I keep replaying her fainting, and I just can't accept that everything is fine, no matter how desperately I want to believe it. I have never seen her that way without a good cause. Pregnancy, a gun shot wound…drunk, yes. But this is not any of those things. The unknown is something I cannot and will not tolerate, especially when it comes to my family.

The morning comes, and I am relieved to be leaving. I always find it ironic, doctors want to keep you overnight so they can monitor you and make sure you get the 'proper rest', but from Victors' constant barking at the staff, I gather they have no clue what they are 'monitoring', and furthermore, I am not getting any rest in this awful hospital bed. It just all seems ridiculous.

I insist on walking out to the car Victor has called for. After all, I am fine! I do not need to be wheeled out in a chair. I need to put a stop to this insanity from the get-go or Victor will treat me like I am some sort of an invalid. I ask Victor to sign the discharge papers so that I can change, and as I make my way out of bed, I am grateful he isn't there, that he is signing those papers, because, I think maybe I don't feel fine. It seems I can't quite control what I'm doing and it's becoming positively infuriating. I want my arms to move this way, my legs another, but they refuse. My anger is starting to turn into fear. I have this mantra going on in my head, "Get it together. Get it together. Keep it together." I wonder for one earth shattering second, what if something serious is going on? The fear of it paralyzes me. No! I have to shake this feeling. It's probably just some 24 hour bug, and I need rest. Rest, I did not get at the hospital. Maybe they should have given me something to help sleep? I have to fight through this, Victor cannot know. I cannot let my fear show. After all, I could be making too much out of this. Tomorrow, what I'm feeling now, well, it could all just as easily fade away.

She is keeping something from me, that much I know is true. I feel we know each other better than anyone, yet we are never completely honest with each other. How is that possible? I will never know, but I do know something is not quite right with Nikki. I insisted she go to bed when we got home and she did not fight me. Not one ounce of resistance. This is not the reaction I was expecting after all her protests in the hospital. Maybe she is tired, I know she didn't sleep well last night. I convince myself that is all it is, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I don't buy into it completely.

I wake up from a dreamless sleep. I glance at the time, my God! I've been asleep for over 12 hours! Now it's all justified in my head, I can't remember the last time I've slept that long, I feel triumph in this! I was only feeling poorly because I needed sleep! I must have been exhausted. It's not so far fetched. My life has recently taken a rather drastic change. I moved back to Genoa City, kept my job, moved back to my family, and am now back together with Victor. Maybe all the excitement and stress just wore me out? That's not inconceivable, this is the Newman family. It is Genoa City, and it is always full of drama. Victor isn't in bed with me and a large part of me wishes he was, but I can't expect him to sleep half his day away, although I wish he would. On clumsy legs, I make my way to the shower. I'll just wash all this nonsense off, all of my doubts, and I will be good to go.

It doesn't happen quite that way. I find it still difficult to make my body move the way I want it too. I begin to cry when the shampoo bottle slips from my hand for the third time. Something is not right. I can't ignore it any longer. The water beads off me along with all my hope, I will call my doctor as soon as I make it out of here.

I know she is awake. I hear the water running. I have canceled all my appointments for the day in an effort to say closer to her, to keep an eye on her. I promised the doctors I would do so, because they aren't really sure what caused her to faint. In the early morning, I laid awake with her in my arms for over an hour, watching her sleep, relishing in the way she fits perfectly in my arms. I would have loved nothing more than to stay that way forever, but Tokyo doesn't wait, and as I look at the clock, it seems they have. Some appointments cannot be canceled, and I have to get up, to deal with business, I feel relief knowing they will wait for me, I have earned that kind of respect, but in good business, you cannot miss appointments, and this conference call cannot wait.

I am distracted as I hear the water run for an hour. I know women are entitled to their long and leisure showers, but Nikki has never been one to idle for this long. As I hang up the phone, I am not sure what the hell I have agreed too or not agreed too. Hell! This is not the way I do business! I can't call them back and ask what we've discussed, I can only hope my assistant was paying attention to the conference call and that I acted on auto-pilot. I call back my assistant who assures me I made no decision, that I claimed to need more time to think things through properly. Thank God for small things.

Dr. Costner can see me tomorrow. I was expecting a much longer wait, but with my recent hospital adventure and my last name, well,…things happen. In the privacy of the bedroom, I tell him my symptoms and that the basic tests from my quick hospital stay provided nothing. If anything is wrong, which I feel there is, it's something far more complicated than a blood pressure test will resolve. I tell him I don't want some run of the mill tests. I've had them. I want answers. Real answers. For twenty minutes I tell him of my symptoms, which I feel have only come on about recently, but as he asks questions about things in the past, I wonder if I'm wrong. I remember quite clearly having minor bouts of blurry vision and numbness in my fingers. I remember once fainting in front of Jackson in Charleston. He tells me not to stress, and that he will consult with other doctors and research my symptoms and have a better understanding of things when we meet tomorrow. When I hang up the phone, I feel torn between two feelings. On one hand, relief, I have the faith of a child in this doctor, I am counting on him to be my salvation. On the other, fear, our short conversation has led me to believe I may have been having these symptoms for years and simply overlooked them.

Is she taking it easy for my sake? I have to wonder, or is it something else? She is content to lie around, making no remarks of the once injustice she felt when I had her stay in the hospital. I know she loves me as I love her, but we have been apart for years, does she feel she cannot come to me in honesty? I know something is wrong, but every time I question her on it, she denies it with a passion. I don't want to upset her further with my relentlessness, but I just can't help shake this feeling she is lying. She is not fine. I know her too well.

It's not that I want to lie to him, I would never want that. And technically, I'm not. I'm just not saying anything, because maybe this is nothing, maybe it's just something so simple that it can be cured by some rest and some antibiotics. I don't want to worry him. I don't want him to go into that 'primal' mode he has and go crazy. Because, let's be honest, if something is wrong, that is what he will do. I should find comfort in this, that a man would feel so much for me that he would be so protective. But here I am, for the first time in my life, trying to stand on my own two legs and in turns out they are giving out on me. Literally.

The night is upon us. I have done my best to avoid him, to keep from him my shaking hands. Like a child, I want to hide, I want to be excused to my room. Who knew dinner could get me so worked up? There is no way possible to get out of it, if I don't eat, then I will be reprimanded by him that I am not 'taking care of myself'. If I do, surely he will see my hands shake, they have been doing so all day long. The thought of lying to him makes perfect sense, at least until I know what is going on. What would be the point of worrying him if it's nothing more than a 'bug'? But, he hasn't accepted my pleas that 'I'm fine' for one minute thus far, and the thought of having dinner and trying to convince him otherwise has me exhausted even before it's begun. I have to tell him the truth. There is no way around it.

She has avoided me as best as she could all day. I tried to cancel my appointments, but a few could not be delayed. I have dinner set up for us, together. She has made one excuse after the other to be away from me today, but it ends here. I don't care if I have to drag her out of bed, or if we have to have dinner in our bedroom, I will be with her. This will happen.

He leads me to the table. He pulls my chair out for me, he always does these romantic gestures, no matter how long we've been together. He is my fairytale. No matter what nightmares we've lived through together, no matter how difficult it is to love him, and be loved by him, he will always be my fairytale. He is my Prince Charming, the one I dreamt about as a young girl. He calls me his 'Queen', he makes me feel that way. Our dinner is served. I stir it around on my plate, but can't eat for the guilt that is plaguing me. He is making a mental note of every move I make. He is looking at me with suspicious eyes. He knows I am keeping something from him. He has known this all day long. My fork begins to clatter on my plate. I try for a brief moment to eradicate it, but good fortune escapes me. I look up to him with tears in my eyes.

If she tells me everything is 'fine' one more time, I don't know what I will do. I won't be held responsible for my actions. I am sick and tired of this. For the last 24 hours she has been shaking and avoiding me. Does she think I don't know? I've had all I can take. I am not going to beg her for answers. I won't demand them either, although I want nothing more than to do so. I want to shake her until I can get the truth from her. Why won't she tell me? I want her in my life, to be my wife. I know she is hesitant about this. I know I cannot pressure her into telling me the truth. But, if she can't tell me, who the hell can she tell?

My fork is clattering around my plate like a loose cannon. I set it down. There really is no use in this rouse that everything is 'okay', when clearly it's not. I can't meet his eyes without feeling that he knows it too. He hasn't asked, he hasn't demanded anything, and I know that has been a struggle for him. He has held back what he is feeling for me, for my sake. I meet his eyes, and then quickly look away. I feel like my admission to him will be a weakness, and I don't want that. But I need him. And, if we are to be successful in this new 'go-round' of our relationship, I owe him the truth. It doesn't come easy, the truth never does, but, I tell him, "Victor. I think you know. I know you know, I just…I just don't want to lie about it anymore". He looks at me with expectant eyes. I continue, "I called my doctor, I'm going to see him tomorrow. Something isn't right with me", my voice breaks. Tears are running down my face, "I'm scared", I tell him.

She tells me everything. She tells me about her blurry vision. The way her hands shake. She tells me how she wants to control it, but can't. Between tears, she says she thought she could control it, but now, she knows she can't. She tells me she is seeing her doctor tomorrow. She doesn't want some basic tests, that what she is feeling is beyond that. I want to be there with her. I tell her this. I see her shrink back and I don't understand why. If she is telling me these truths, why would she not want me to be there for her?

I excuse myself. I know if he wants he will follow me, but he doesn't, not initially. I make my way into our bedroom, I finish changing into my pajamas just as he walks in. He walks up to me, without a word and lifts my chin with his hand to meet his gaze. My eyes glaze over, but not because of my illness, but because of how much I love him. Our lips meet, and he tells me he loves me. That he will be there for me every step of the way. That no matter what happens, I will not go through it alone. He guides me towards our bed, and I lie down with him. Our lips meet again, and I melt into his kiss. He tells me he loves me, that he will let nothing harm me. I curl up into his arms. I am nervous about tomorrow, scared to what my visit to the doctors' may reveal, but right now, in his arms, I feel safe. And together, we can get through anything, we're the perfect fit.

_***Authors Note:***_

_ I am trying to bring this story into current times. It will probably not end up being what has played out on our screens, but that's the beauty of Fanfic, eh? I will try to stay close though, because I do enjoy, for the most part, the show as it is. Well, maybe minus this 'Dylan' thing, not sure how I feel about that. There are many tweaks I would make, especially in regard to Niktor, and so I will. For those reviews asking if I will be writing more about Victoria and Billy and their baby, yes. But, this story is first and foremost about and for Niktor. _

_ Also, I've changed the way I'm writing this story. I have moved it into a first person narrative, I feel it's easier for me to express what I want. I hope this is not confusing and that you can see I am writing in Nikki or Victor's shoes. If and when I change 'shoes', I'll make a note of it. _

_ I hope you enjoy, and please review! _


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